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News » Deep End

End of the Day

Questions & answers in election aftermath



Q.: Is this the end of the so-called Mormon Moment?
A.: Historians will point to the nomination of Mr. Romney as the apex of the Mormon Moment, with his defeat and subsequent return to a quiet family life of wrestling with his sons and grooming his wife’s horse as the descent to the nadir of Mormon semi-obscurity. Mr. Romney was the best that The Kingdom of God could offer, a savior who comes along just once in a dispensation. We will not see his like again.

Q.: Will the Birther Movement grow louder or will it slink away in silence?
A.: The B. Movement will grunt and strain to deposit its smelly conspiracies on the collective lawn of America. Game-show host and impresario of malarkey Donald Trump will continue to extrude viscous assertions of Barack Obama’s alien origins.

Q.: Will the Fox News folks continue to make things up, even though facts continue to appear as egg (or worse) on their faces?
A.: The more facts prove them wrong, the more they make up. Faithful viewers will continue to tune in to get their daily fix of fantasy, like faithful churchgoers getting their weekly fix of belief.

Q.: Will Jon Huntsman Jr. join the Obama administration in the capacity of secretary of state?
A.: The former ambassador to China will not succeed Hillary Clinton as secretary of state. Instead, the genial and well-groomed former governor will host a talk show with his daughter Abby on MSNBC.

Q.: Will same-sex marriage spread like herpes simplex across the land?
A.: Despite fears of the righteous, homosexuality is not contagious. But same-sex marriage will move from state to state and same-sex participants will be welcomed into the institution of marriage and all that it entails, including a 50 percent divorce rate.

Q.: Will the honorable Orrin Hatch survive his promised final term in the United States senate?
A.: The senior senator will not only live through the next six years, he will go on to a new career as a Jewish stand-up comedian on the comedy-club circuit. “My doctor told me I’d live until I was 103. I said to my doctor, ‘But I am 103!’ The doctor said, ‘See, what did I tell you!’ ”

Q.: Close associates say Mit(t) Romney was “shell-shocked” by his defeat at the hands of Barack Obama. Why was the Republican nominee so certain he would be elected, despite all the evidence (polls, heavenly signs, bird entrails) to the contrary?
A.: The overly confident nominee had been assured from a young age that the White House was his destiny. A Google search yielded a Patriarchal Blessing promising missionary-to-be Elder Romney that he would preside over a white festival (The Winter Olympics?), ride a White Horse to save the Constitution, and achieve eternal glory in a large white edifice, which those versed in scriptural interpretation think is in actuality either the Taj Mahal or the Salt Palace.

Q.: What does the future hold for Mia Love?
A.: Mia will not fade into the woodwork. She has already been offered a job as the weather girl on KSL’s noon news. But friends say she is mighty tempted by feelers from Love Line, the spicy late-night advice show starring Dr. Drew Pinsky. Mia would do a nightly segment called, cleverly enough, “Love Lines.”

Q.:Which Republicans will campaign for president in 2016?
A.: According to conventional wisdom, the usual suspects will battle it out, beginning next Tuesday, for the election four years hence: Chris Christie, Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio. Pundits of a nostalgic turn are hoping that Herman Cain throws his fancy hat into the ring, and Donald Trump is already claiming that he has locked up enough electoral votes to put him over the top in 2016.

Q.: Who will the Republican nominee actually be?
A.: Karl Rove insists George W. Bush will take a break from his hobby of turning popsicle sticks into placemats and make another run at the White House—this, despite the fact that he is constitutionally barred from doing so. But Karl inhabits another world, one in which he is still celebrating the landslide presidential victory of Mit(t) Romney.

Q.: When Diane Sawyer slurred her words and referred to “Barack Orama-bama” during ABC’s election night coverage, was she hammered?
A.: No. She was merely “tired and emotional,” which was the term of art in the old days for high blood alcohol. 

D.P. Sorensen writes a satire column for City Weekly.