The 80-to-1 long shot Rich Strike won the 148th running of the Kentucky Derby, coming from behind in one of the greatest victories in horse racing history. That was cool, but not every unexpected thing in our crazy world turns out so well. Case in point, the 2016 election of Donald J. Trump. And let's not forget the Jan. 6 insurrection. The staff here at Smart Bomb has catalogued potential unexpected stuff so you can be prepared:
—Utah State Liquor Stores sell cold beer.
—Utah Congressman Burgess Owens disappears.
—Salt Lake City disallows ugly apartment buildings.
—Gov. Spencer Cox gets tough with Utah lawmakers.
—Majorie Taylor Greene blows kisses to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
—Mormons drop July 24 Pioneer Day in favor of July 4th celebration.
—Utah restricts abortion in dairy cows.
—Vladimir Putin diagnosed with swagger-induced seasickness.
—President Joe Biden calls MAGA people, "crazy snot-nosed imps."
—And Tucker Carlson spotted in drag at a Pussy Riot concert.
Stamping Out Young Sheldon and Other Evils
OMG—do you know what is happening? Well, it's them progressive TV producers, that's what. Thank goodness for our beloved Sen. Mike Lee for alerting the free world to the fact that TV is turning our children into sexual deviants.
Just look at this: "To the detriment of children, gender dysphoria has become sensationalized in the popular media and television with radical activists and entertainment companies," according to a letter Lee signed with other righteous right-wingers seeking reelection by shaking the sex boogeyman at panicked parents. "This radical and sexual sensation not only harms children, but also destabilizes and damages parental rights." What could possibly be worse?
It's them liberal commies behind this movement to make kids weird. They're "grooming" youngsters to be like Caligula and Pee-Wee Herman—"[T]he motivations of hyper-sexualized entertainment producers striving to push content on young audiences are suspect at best and predatory at worst." GROOMERS!
And it's more than just Disney, who now has Mickey Mouse and Goofy wearing women's lingerie. No, it's subversive TV shows, like "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia," "Bob's Burgers," and "Young Sheldon." We must stamp out this evil. Send contributions to Mike for Senate.
Roe V. Wade and King Kong
The news is bad, but then again it usually is. This time, it's because of the Trump Supreme Court nominees, Neil Gorsuch, Brett Kavanaugh and Amy Coney Barrett, whose confirmation testimony now looks to be a tiny bit disingenuous—as in friggin' lies. But that's OK, because Supreme Court nominees are supposed to fib a little—that's just the way we do things.
Neil Gorsuch told the Senate Judiciary Committee that he "would have walked out the door," if Trump had asked him to overturn Roe V. Wade. Sources report that Gorsuch has not walked out the door but remains barricaded under his desk waiting for the nasty protesters to leave. Kavanaugh conceded he liked beer, which appeared to be true, and spoke well of his "judicial temperament." Then he started yelling at Sen. Amy Klobuchar because he never did bad stuff to young women, but if they needed an abortion afterward it was OK with him. And Amy Coney Barrett testified that just because she is a Catholic mother of seven doesn't mean squat, nor did the ad she signed calling Roe V. Wade "barbaric"—like King Kong when he carried Faye Wray to the top of the Empire State Building. Yes, it's a non sequitur but what do you expect from people who would protect the unborn while ignoring single moms and their hungry kids.
Post script—That's a wrap for another week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of contraception in Mississippi so you don't have to. Yep, Gov. Tate Reeves said he wouldn't rule out banning contraceptives if Roe v. Wade remains on the books. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot—or wherever. How in the world could they enforce a ban on rubbers, anyway?
BTW, you can get legal abortions in Mexico and Ireland, two of the most Catholic countries in the world. And yes, abortion is legal in Italy, too. Then, there's this: Utah has a so-called "trigger law" that says if the Supreme Court reverses Row V. Wade, abortion will immediately become illegal with no exception for rape or incest. Say no more.
OK, reality check: 66 million years ago a giant asteroid—a ten-mile-long space rock—struck the Yucatan Peninsula and killed off the dinosaurs, along with 75% of life on earth. That, of course, blows holes in the literal reading of The Old Testament, but we digress. New fossil evidence in North Dakota reveals the impact of the collision 3,000 miles away. "The Dinosaur Apocalypse: The New Evidence," is streaming on PBS. Millions of years from now — barring another asteroid—someone might dig us up and wonder why the hell we were so damn hard on each other.
Alright Wilson, we know you and the guys in the band have stocked up on condoms and saltpeter. Sources say Amazon has had a lot of orders from Mississippi. Not so much from Utah, though, 'cause we don't have sex or teenage pregnancy here. So take us on outta here with something for those unwilling brides who need legal medical care.
Oh it's so funny to be seeing you after so long, girl.
And with the way you look I understand
that you are not impressed.
But I heard you let that little friend of mine
take off your party dress.
I'm not going to get too sentimental
like those other sticky valentines,
'cause I don't know if you've been loving somebody.
I only know it isn't mine.
Alison, I know this world is killing you.
Oh, Alison, my aim is true.
Well I see you've got a husband now.
Did he leave your pretty fingers lying
in the wedding cake?
You used to hold him right in your hand.
I'll bet he took all he could take.
Sometimes I wish that I could stop you from talking
when I hear the silly things that you say.
I think somebody better put out the big light,
cause I can't stand to see you this way.
Alison, I know this world is killing you.
Oh, Alison, my aim is true.
My aim is true.
"Alison"—Elvis Costello
