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Culture » True TV

Falling Skies, Piranhaconda

Plus: Blue Lagoon, The Glass House


Falling Skies - TNT
  • TNT
  • Falling Skies

Falling Skies
Sunday, June 17 (TNT)

Season Premiere: At the end of Falling Skiesdebut season in 2011, Prof. Tom Mason (Noah Wyle) willingly boarded the Earth-invading aliens’ spacecraft and disappeared into the stars, leaving behind his sons and the 2nd Massachusetts Militia survivors group. It’s no spoiler to say that Mason returns in the Season 2 premiere—but has he been lowjacked by the Skitters? Did he get any answers as to why they’ve occupied the planet and enslaved human children (including his own son) with spine-clamping harnesses? Should the 2nd Mass still trust him? Are they literally the last people on Earth? Most of the answers are coming this season, which tamps down the touchy-feely family drama of 2011 (à la Falling Skies’ executive producer, Steven Spielberg) and amps up the sci-fi dread and tension (more Walking Dead, less E.T.).

Saturday, June 16 (Syfy)

Movie: It tops last week’s Jersey Shore Shark Attack in tagline only: “Piranhaconda: Part fish! Part snake! All killer!” (C’mon, it’s better than “Your next fist pump may be your last!”). In the latest from Roger Corman’s inglorious crap factory, Michael Madsen (a real actor!) and Rachel Hunter (a real model who’s held up as well as Michael Madsen!) try to stop an “unholy union of piranha and anaconda” (“I can’t believe you just said that”) from gnawing on bikini babes who happen to be filming a horror movie in the Amazon. An utter waste of basic-cable time and resources? Not when compared to …

Blue Lagoon: The Awakening
Saturday, June 16 (Lifetime)

Movie: TNT’s exactly-who-asked-for-this? Dallas reboot now seems like the smarter ’80s relic resurrection of the summer—you win again, animated skeleton of Larry Hagman. The original 1980 Blue Lagoon (which launched the careers of Brooke Shields and …?), about two teen cousins washed up on a tropical island who inevitably get it on, was set in the 1800s; Lifetime’s Awakening remake is in the present day, therefore even more annoying. She’s a smart overachiever, while he’s a dumb jock—when they both fall off of a party boat(?) and wind up on a deserted island, will they eventually fall in love/lust? And spin it off into an MTV series, 16 & Stranded & Pregnant?

The Glass House
Monday, June 18 (ABC)

Series Debut: Follow this: CBS is claiming that ABC ripped off their crap reality show (Big Brother), which was already a rip-off of the O.G. crap reality show (The Real World), to create a “new” crap reality show (The Glass House) about—prepare to have your mind blown—a gaggle of idiot strangers coexisting on top of each other in a crap mansion and vying for a Big Cash Prize. And all of this crap is being referred to in ongoing legal proceedings as “intellectual” property. Says ABC, “This is a naked attempt by CBS to stifle competition and creativity.” Creativity. Yeah … Anyway, by the time you read this, CBS and Viacom may have stopped ABC from airing The Glass House. Is it wrong to root for an evil, multinational corporation? Go, Viacom!

Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp
Tuesday, June 19 (Lifetime)

Series Debut: In other So, That’s a Show news, Bristol Palin (along with son Tripp) has her own reality series! It’s different from Teen Mom in that, 1. Bristol is 21 and, B. None of the Teen Moms had a mother whose Satanic Power Agenda, er, fame, got them on TV in the first place. At least Bristol is slightly smarter than your average Kardashian, so … there’s … that? God bless ’Merica. 

Twitter: @Bill_Frost