Far-Left Fascists Toppling America | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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News » Opinion

Far-Left Fascists Toppling America

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Limber up folks, this is going to take some pretty extreme stretching—even for practitioners of kundalini yoga. With the rock faces of Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln looking on from above, Donald Trump announced to the nation that we are "under siege from far-left fascists" who intend to "indoctrinate our children." In order for your kids, or you for that matter, to become a far-left fascist, you must bend over backward until the top of your head touches the bottoms of your feet. Only real twisted contortionist fascists can manage it. And that's who's tearing down monuments to America's greatest hero-traitors: Robert E. Lee, Jefferson Davis and Stonewall Jackson, all who defended slavery and the Southern way of life—cornbread, mint juleps and white supremacy. Those monuments were erected for a very important reason—we just can't remember what it is. But never mind; back to those left-wing fascists who want Black Lives to Matter. This is so typical of fascists. Remember Mussolini and Hitler—always going around saying Black Lives Matter and demanding equal opportunities for everyone. No wonder Trump made that clarion call to us patriots to stomp out such fiendish beliefs before it's too late. Damned far-left fascists, anyway.

Utah Kills It on COVID-19 (or Vice-Versa)
It's not what you know, it's who you know. Sadly true and when it comes to knocking off the coronavirus, the governor's people know exactly what to do—get some big contracts for their buddies. Right out of the COVID-19 gates, the Utah Division of Purchasing and General Services bought a truckload of hydroxychloroquine from Meds In Motion for a cool $800,000. You remember hydroxychloroquine—it's Trump's silver bullet cure for COVID-19. And that ain't all. Some of our illustrious lawmakers were scrounging up another $8 million for the same stuff that works just great on malaria when you're in the tropics. Oops. Somewhere along the line, the state retained Goldratt Consulting (that's their real name: Gold-ratt) for several hundred thousand dollars to create a $2.75 million app meant to assist in contact tracing, according to The Salt Lake Tribune. State budget chief Kristen Cox has a close relationship with the firm. In addition, the state has paid $340,000 to Leavitt Partners, run by former Utah Gov. Mike Leavitt, and it wasn't for face masks. Even Wilson and the band think the state's strategy is a lot like the Hindenburg—COVID-19 cases are exploding. Who knows what the hell else is going on behind the scenes with your tax dollars? But when Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox gets elected governor, he will surely tell us. Sure.

Theme Songs for the Donald
What's a political campaign without killer music? You gotta have them good vibrations to get your rallies rockin', right? That's why Donald Trump's campaign geniuses play stuff like, "Won't Back Down," by the late Tom Petty and Neil Young's anthem, "Rockin' in the Free World." There's just one problem, Tom Petty's family won't allow his music playing for Trump. And Neil Young hates it just as much. Seems they don't like the president. So, Wilson and the band got together with our crack political team here at Smart Bomb and came up with some rockin' suggestions for Team Trump:

"The Pretender"—Jackson Browne
"Rave On"—Buddy Holly & The Crickets
"Hang On to Your Ego"—the Beach Boys
"Make the Dirt Stick"—Chris Whitley
"Idiot Wind"—Bob Dylan
"Devil in Disguise"—J.J. Cale
"Making Believe"—Emmylou Harris
"Helplessly Hoping"—Crosby, Stills and Nash
"Man Out of Time"—Elvis Costello
"Back in the U.S.S.R."—The Beatles

Now, we're just waiting to hear back from Jared Kushner. If you have suggestions, write to Donald J. Trump for President Inc., Trump Tower, 725 5th Ave., New York, NY 10022. They could use the "Help!" (The Beatles)

Postscript—Well, patriots, another week of American greatness is in the books and years from now, middle school teachers will inform their students that the good ol' US of A was fantastic when it came to battling coronavirus. Or maybe—like the 1918 Spanish flu pandemic that killed 650,000 Americans when the population was only about 100 million—it will get short shrift. COVID-19? What's that? In this country, we like our greatness. And we love our Constitution that keeps us great. Yet in quality of life rankings, the U.S. does not even make the Top 10. Canada, Denmark and Sweden are 1, 2 and 3. In the ranking for happiest countries, we come in 18th—Norway is No. 1. In life expectancy, we rate 46th. Even Cubans and Estonians can expect to live longer. In the ranking for best health care availability, the U.S. comes in 37th, but we spend far more than other high-income countries. Since 1980, the GDP—the measure of our wealth—tripled. Working men and women got exactly none of it, and many of us even slipped a notch. Yet almost every Congress passes legislation that gives the wealthy more breaks in ways the average American knows nothing about. It's layer upon layer of law that leaves the nation's financial burden on the working class. For example, the recent economic rescue package passed by Congress is giving $174 billion in tax breaks. Although advertised as helping small business, it's overwhelmingly going to rich individuals and large companies. In contrast, folks like Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren understand that a healthy middle class is necessary to a successful society and proud country. But the free-market conservative Republicans warn that it sounds too much like socialism, à la Norway—the happiest country in the world.

On that patriotic note, Wilson, can you ask the guys to stop waving their flags and play us a little theme music for the coming week in this great country of ours:

Born down in a dead man's town
The first kick I took was when I hit the ground
You end up like a dog that's been beat too much
Till you spend half your life just covering up

Born in the U.S.A.
I was born in the U.S.A.
I was born in the U.S.A.
Born in the U.S.A.

("Born in the USA"—Bruce Springsteen)

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