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Feature | City Weekly’s 2009 Year in Preview

What will be the first big political scandal in Utah in 2009?n

Angela Brown: Salt Lake City Mayor Ralph Becker will star on Hive TV’s new local celebrity dating show Mayor of Love. n

Troy Williams: Rookie Congressman Jason “tent cities” Chaffetz gives Utah its first national gay-sex scandal. He’s too hardcore conservative and too well groomed not to have some secrets in that Utah County closet. n

Holly Mullen: We’ll learn of a major conflict of interest in the way the last open spaces along the Jordan River are being sliced up for development. This time, for a change, people will care. n

Bill Frost: Scott McCoy will be outed as straight; the whole “openly gay” thing was just a ploy to grab attention. And the occasional ass. n

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Will Utah’s zany private-club membership law finally die? Then what? What equally absurd liquor law will take its place? n

AB: The DABC will approve mouthwash, cooking wine, rubbing alcohol and cough syrup for sale at Utah bars. A new law will require bartenders serve liquid to patrons in a large tablespoon by mouth. n

TW: The DABC will finally go after something meaningful—the prohibition of Tahitian Noni and XanGo juices. The Utah Legislature will vehemently oppose the move after learning the entire Utah County economy is dependent on the stuff. n

HM: Last year, it looked like the membership law would go, but in wrestling with the recession this year, legislators will remind us that everyone has to sacrifice. Read: Especially drinkers. Club-membership fees instead will skyrocket. n

BF: Private-club memberships will be rescinded for about two weeks, then reinstated due to sheer exhaustion and property damage from nonstop partying and debauchery—it’ll be like Satan mashed-up Mardi Gras and St. Patrick’s Day for a Girls Gone Wild shoot, just as the detractors predicted. Also, minibottles will make a comeback at Utah state liquor stores. Unfortunately, they’ll be replacing all full-size bottles. n

The LDS Church’s financial and ecclesiastical meddling in California’s Proposition 8 led to calls for a boycott of the whole state of Utah. What about the 2009 Utah Pride Festival? Will GLBT folks boycott their own parade? n

AB: For the first time in Utah history, the attendance at 2009 Pride Parade will surpass that of the popular Days of ’47 Parade. GLBT folks from around the world will migrate to Zion protesting the LDS Church’s involvement with Prop 8. LDS church members will retaliate against GLBT folks in July’s Days of ’47 Parade. GLBT affiliates and their supporters will unleash crickets on parade-goers. n

TW: Gays will never boycott Pride. The freedom to stand in long lines and drink overpriced Budweiser will never be denied. n

HM: Pride will go on. Gay philanthropist Bruce Bastian will offer to ride at the front of the parade in a vintage Aston Martin while tossing out dollar bills. n

BF: No, but they’ll make it 30 percent less fabulous just out of spite. n

Speaking of Mormon busybodies, will the church hierarchy learn anything useful from the Prop 8 fallout? n

AB: I hope they have learned how easily hatred spreads—it takes courage to possess tolerance and unconditional love. n

TW: Even though the LDS Church successfully pummeled the gays in California, the brethren will come to the shocking realization that the Christian right still hates them and is preparing to fight tooth and nail to defeat Mitt Romney in 2012. “Thanks for bankrolling our assault on the queers,” we can expect Tony Perkins from the Family Research Council to say, “but you are still a non-Christian cult. Eeww!” n

HM: First, they have to absorb the scientific fact that they won’t catch AIDS from shaking a gay man’s hand. Then we’ll talk. n

BF: Yes—they learned that they’ve stumbled on the perfect plan to keep two of their worst enemies, homos and Californians, out of Zion. Next, they’ll mount a highly publicized campaign against Oregon and hippies … which I could totally get behind.n