Writer Karl Beckstand nearly married a beautiful woman, although he was attracted to both men and women. "I was pretty sexual with men when younger. Because I could see nothing good in my same-sex attraction, I grew up hating that part of me," says the author of God Adores You! Beyond Either/Or Thinking to Your Most Fulfilling LGBTQIA Life.

While his romantic life remained unsettled, Beckstrand fulfilled most of his bucket list, visiting four continents, working for Congress in Washington, D.C.. earning an M.A. in conflict resolution, and publishing 27 books. 

Beckstrand's early relationships were far from satisfying, although his ego could take credit for decades of deep, stable relations with both sexes. Still, Beckstrand suspected that something beyond him brought a genuinely lasting connection. So after his engagement ended over other differences, Beckstrand—who hadn't been sexual with a man in many years—feared going back to an out-of-control life. "I was trying to avoid men completely—because I thought that's what I should do," he says.

Instead, he says he discovered that there is a purpose for the differences with which people compare themselves to others. "Attraction to one's own sex is not a defect nor is it contagious—and it's not a choice. Why would I choose to be attracted to guys when most men don't welcome such interest? My same-sex emotional needs (like for those for food) are legitimate, meant to be met mindfully—not in servitude, not bottled up," says Beckstrand.

He says he learned that same-sex people are made to love each other deeply, uniquely and long-term (and, in some ways, better than men and women love each other). Yet, he adds, long-term blissful relationships can be elusive for anyone—even heterosexual people. "True needs must be met in ongoing ways," says Beckstrand, "they don't just go away."

Given Beckstrand's compulsive history, he wasn't sure how to meet his same-sex emotional needs for a time. "Often, people see only binary options," he says, "yet, there are infinite ways to be human, let alone LGBTQ—and more levels of connection than we know, happier than the sparse paths the world often signals. We miss out when we don't see multiple options."  

One key is to not mistake sexual euphoria for love. "People who think euphoria is love guarantee that they'll soon be out of love, given the temporary nature of that feeling," says Beckstrand. "When people abandon the quest for euphoria, they can more easily find true relating."

Seeing more options may require some thought and introspection. "Your best relationships may not be the one(s) you're currently in, pursuing, or think you're missing out on," says Beckstrand, "or they may not come about in the way you're trying to build them." For example, he concludes, "I never dreamed fulfillment would come via male-to-male connection—or that even straight people have needs for same-sex connection—independent of euphoria, though non-sexual euphoria can be part of ordinary human interactions," he says.  

What Beckstrand has learned about same-sex bonds applies to heterosexuals, LGBTQIA, married people, singles and all genders. He says, "I believe a change in what/how you seek could save you decades of frustration and heartbreak and fulfill you beyond your current expectations.

"Awareness of options increases power and satisfaction. For example, I love who I am and want others to feel self-love and profound love with others. ... As you realize you are meeting true needs, bliss and generous impulses toward others can replace discouragement, isolation, infidelity, even addiction."