Filmmaker Trent Harris and Vaccine War Crimes | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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Filmmaker Trent Harris and Vaccine War Crimes

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis



Legendary filmmaker and all around bon vivant, Trent Harris, makes his home in Salt Lake City. But unlike some other famous moviemakers, Harris insists on doing his own grocery shopping, because everything must be just so. The cult director buys his groceries at Smith Foods on 500 East on account of he likes to be among the real people.

Recently, Harris found himself in line behind a Utah County housewife—and she was not wearing a mask. This galled Harris who hates deadly diseases and people who think wearing a mask is a conspiracy to steal our rights and screw up football. As Harris' temper percolated, the lady Trumpist told the person in front of her that she won't get vaccinated because, "It's a war crime." That's when our cult hero boiled over—calling her a stupid woman from Utah County—which, coming from Trent, is strong language. Shaking-mad and fearing that he might commit a war crime himself, Harris vanished, like one of his alien-movie characters. The upside to this horror story is that it gave Harris an idea for a new film: COVID from Kolob and Vaccine War Crimes.

Sleight-of-Hand Funding for the "Green" Inland Port
OK, here's the situation. We've got land west of the airport where all the big boys want to build an inland port—where millions of trucks and trains would bring all kinds of stuff to put in a sea of warehouses to be trucked elsewhere later. It's great because it will bring commerce and jobs and taxes. Some frowny faces say it will harm the environment and bring horrendous traffic jams and pollution that will poison Salt Lake's nice, yellow air. But enough of the naysayers. The inland port is like the future: It's coming, like it or not. So, what we'll do is get our friends in the Legislature to sneak through a bill at the last minute to create a bank with $75 million in taxpayer funds. Then, we'll appoint five people (who may or may not belong to our ward) to a board that will determine who gets the dough to build what will be The Greg Hughes Memorial Inland Port. There will be transparency, of course, because those five people can bear their testimony whenever they want. And inland port executive director Jack Hedge told the naysayers not to worry because he is listening to all their whining. And we will put nice, big, green trees all the way around the port to make it look green—get it, green? We can say it's green, and it will be the truth—sort of.

Putting the Hurt on Old Asian Ladies
Dear fellow social-media trolls and Tucker Carlson fans, we don't need to put no more hurt on them Asian-American people. Here's why: they weren't the ones who brung the Trump virus. They was already here on account of they live here and are Americans just like all them Italians and Irish who came here before. Well sure, we always treat immigrants bad on account of it's a tradition, kinda like when them little college boys make their friends drink themselves to death. Then after a while, them immigrants marry our daughters, and things get different. Anyhow, don't listen to nobody who says Trump did this just because he blamed the Chinese for COVID and kept calling it the Kung Flu. Trump has aways been fair to them that's trying to take jobs from real, white Americans. But listen, it's one thing to take on Bruce Lee but it ain't really the same when you hammer on little old Asian men and women. What if we did that to your granny, shithead? And anyway, think of the good stuff we got from Asians: Toyotas, Chinese food and Thai stick. So chill and order you some lo mein and egg rolls. That Sapporo beer's not bad either, but it ain't But Light. So, relax and put that white supremacy BS where it belongs.

Postscript—Well that's it for another week of hatred and violence here in the land of the free and home of the brave. The fact is that you are not even safe at your neighborhood grocery store or anywhere in the gun-toting U.S.A. The Marjorie Taylor Greens of this country say your Second Amendment right to carry an assault rifle is at risk. Really? There are now over 400 million firearms in this country. Here's what to expect: If the people at the Boulder, Colorado, supermarket or those folks at the Atlanta massage parlors had AR-15s, they would still be alive. The killer in Atlanta bought his weapon the day of the murders. But don't worry, we won't pass any reasonable laws like waiting periods so fewer crazy people can be killers because that would be impeding your Second Amendment rights. In the 1770s, the Founders could not imagine life in 2021. If they could, there would be no Second Amendment. Back then Gen. George Washington needed the help of local militias because our Continental Army was small. At a moment's notice, civilians were called to help fight the Brits. But that has not been the case for well over 200 years, and we do have a well-regulated militia—the National Guard. You don't have to wonder what life is like in war-torn Congo. You're living it.

Well Wilson, this might be the time for nitrous oxide, or the Thai stick or the Bourbon. People in the civilized world think we're crazy, and the evidence would suggest we are. How 'bout a road trip to some place safe—like, say, Iceland. Pick it, Wilson:

In this dirty old part of the city
Where the sun refuse to shine
People tell me there ain't no use in trying
Now my girl you're so young and pretty
And one thing I know is true
You'll be dead before your time is due
I know

We gotta get out of this place
If it's the last thing we ever do
We gotta get out of this place<
'Cause girl, there's a better life
For me and you

Yeah yeah yeah yeah
We gotta get out of this place
If it's the last thing we ever do
We gotta get out of this place
Girl, there's a better life
For me and you

"We Gotta Get Out of This Place"—The Animals