Flaming Rhetoric | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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News » Opinion

Flaming Rhetoric

Taking a Gander: Fires mean fewer Democrats will vote

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As if our world didn't have enough to worry about, the record destruction of Western states by wildfires has taken a horrifying toll, both on the economic front and on the realm of human suffering.

Luckily, our president is on top of it—just as he showed his stunning, amazing, remarkable grip on the coronavirus pandemic. Let's face it, there has never, in the 243 years since the Declaration of Independence, been a more capable leader. As we all know, he has exceeded the expertise of all past presidents and earned himself a place in the record books as the most incredible leader in the history of the world. The stature of Lincoln's memory shrinks in Trump's presence. We know that because he told us so.

It isn't enough just to say that The Donald is the best POTUS in the history of our nation; he's so much more. Trump's intellectual grasp of his own greatness has created a superlative in everything he does. He is, hands down, the greatest conservationist, the most tenacious defender of the precepts of law and order, the most unquestionably devoutly Christian president since the New Testament, possessor of the planet's highest IQ, swamp-drainer extraordinaire and definitely the most stunningly-handsome American ever born.

So, I'm going to take you for a whimsical trip on Air Force One to the fire-stricken areas of the Pacific states—just so you can see the infinite wonder of our darling POTUS.

The great jet has landed, and Trump is discussing the growing crisis of out-of-control wildfires with a FOX News reporter:

Reporter: Mr. President, it's great to see you. How was your trip?

POTUS: It was lovely, except that the smoke from the fires made it impossible to see my favorite Republican states. But, then again, I just realized that enough fire retardant could actually turn California and the Northwest "red." It really makes me mad that the forest managers in California, Oregon and Washington have been so incompetent in preserving our natural resources. Let's face it; if Yo-Semite burns, where will we drill for oil? How could those Democrats have allowed this to happen? You know, they only do this stuff to make me look bad. They should all be shot.

Reporter: Wouldn't that be a bit extreme?

POTUS: No. I think that people disloyal to me—and the precept of preserving the American dream—are best described as "traitors," and that should be a capital offense. I say shoot the bastards.

Reporter: Well, let's not stray too far from the subject—we're talking about the awful wildfires that are decimating our Pacific states. As you know, thousands of buildings have been destroyed; millions of acres have burned; huge numbers of people have been forced to evacuate; and the death toll is mounting. How do you see your role, as America's leader, in dealing with this?

POTUS: Well, just as I have consistently dealt with the coronavirus pandemic, I will provide my amazing leadership through this new crisis. When it comes to wildfires, there's no one in the world who knows more about them or has a better grasp of what needs to be done than I. You can count on it; I will lead our country through this with flying colors.

And, if I didn't have these damned bone spurs, I would be out there myself with my box of matches. (As a smile curling his lips) I actually find the fires very encouraging. Fifty-two post offices have burned. Oops, I probably shouldn't have said that.

Reporter: (gasping) Sir, I must have heard you wrong. Did you say something about your matches?

POTUS: You're not recording this, are you? You know how the left can distort these things, and they'd have a heyday twisting my words. The way I see it, the fire deaths mean fewer Democrats to threaten my throne. But I can't very well look like I'm one of those who's setting the fires—can I?— and, at the same time, be sending in FEMA to deal with the aftermath? The Democrat, socialist pussies, and leftist goons, who follow Biden, set these fires to discredit my reign. I need to save our nation from QAnon, Antifa, and the looming world government that will take over if Biden wins.

Reporter: I'm sorry, Mr. President, did I hear you say the words, "throne" and "reign?"

POTUS: You sure did. God appointed me to this sacred position—just like the divine mandate that crowned Europe's kings. I am His chosen—not just for another four years or 12 years, but for life. My matchbook is simply a part of Judgment Day, and I will make sure that these damned Democrat-led, shit-hole states pay for their heresy. Enough said!

POTUS: And, just as an afterthought, God has personally assured me that my hotels will be spared, and my golf courses will remain green. The strategy is easy; let those wicked Blue Democrat socialists fry!

Reporter: Thank you, sir.

POTUS: You're welcome. But are you sure you haven't recorded me?

While Trump may not actually be running through the forests with his matchbook, there's no question about it; he is very much fueling the flames of tragedy, chaos and death.

The author is a former Vietnam-era Army assistant public information officer. He resides in Riverton with his wife, Carol, and the beloved ashes of their mongrel dog.