Food Fight in Cottonwood Heights | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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News » Opinion

Food Fight in Cottonwood Heights

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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You know things are getting weird when protests and melees in sleepy, suburban Cottonwood Heights make the news almost as often as Portland, where millennials were beaten and gassed by Trump's secret militia. The starring roles in the Cottonwood Heights Food-Fight-turned-Family-Feud go to City Councilwoman Tali Bruce as the wronged heroine and Police Chief Robby Russo as the Darth Vader of the villainous police. The curtain went up Aug. 2 when Tali and a small group of honkies marched (walked) against police brutality in a residential neighborhood. Before you could say, "Roll the cameras," a dozen police cars zipped in and cops jumped out, shooting stun guns and letting fly with pepper spray, and then began wrassling with surprised white people. Eight suburbanites were arrested. Tali was hit in the throat and then charged with interfering with an arrest, a class-B misdemeanor. And then, she is sued by Chief Russo for defamation (details remain sketchy, but she may have called him a "dipshit"). Meanwhile, Tali suggests at a council meeting that the Police Department be disbanded. Since then, she says she's been bullied by Russo and alleges cops follow her with lights on, yell at her and park their patrol cars in front of her house. Stay tuned for the next episode of As the World and Cottonwood Heights Turn, brought to you by Mace Brand Triple Action pepper spray for when you really need to burn their eyes out.

Why Trump Admires Putin
1. Putin's former staffers don't write "tell-all" books about what an idiot he is.
2. Russian hackers helped Trump win the 2016 election, and they aren't done yet.
3. Vladimir doesn't have to pay hush money to his mistresses.
4. Russia doesn't own that dirty Puerto Rico and all its poor people.
5. Putin shoots journalists he doesn't like.
6. The Russian strongman changed the constitution to remain in power.
7. Putin doesn't have to eat lunch with all those snooty NATO allies.
8. Vladimir doesn't have to mess with the mail to get reelected.
9. Putin gets to poison his political opponents.
10. And Vlady can get Moscow "golden showers" any time he wants.

Serial Killer, SLC Protesters: Same Punishment?
Want to teach people a lesson ? Well, you could scare the bejesus out of them by pressing first-degree felony charges that could land them in prison for life. This, of course, is the tale of eight activists who pissed off the Salt Lake County DA by spreading red paint on 400 South and splashing it on his office building in protest of the police shooting of a young Latino man. You can image the exchange in prison: Q: "Hey, what're you in for?" A: "Spreading red paint." Q: "Don't mess with me, man." As it happens, the so-called "Golden State Killer" was sentenced to life in prison last week. Joseph James DeAngelo killed at least 13 women and raped 50 others in a decades-long rampage. And that, Judge Judy fans, puts in perspective exactly what District Attorney Sim Gill was dishing out. Fortunately, former Judge Dane Nolan took over the prosecution and Friday reduced the charges to 3rd-degree felonies. That still could send them to the cooler for five to 15 years and leave them with a felony record for life. What adds to the disconnect here is that the protest in Salt Lake City was like Romper Room compared to the upheavals in other U.S. cities. Justice is blind, right? And maybe deaf and dumb, too.

Postscript—Well cadets and cadetettes, there sure seem to be a lot of hoaxes out there. There's the coronavirus hoax perpetrated by the Democrats. There's the Post Office hoax, perpetrated by Democrats, the Climate Change hoax, perpetrated by Democrats. And there's the granddaddy of them all—the hoax that the Trump Campaign colluded with Russia. Even our esteemed congressman, Chris Stewart, who worships at the Temple of Trump, complained, gee, no one knows what to believe any more. Well, gee, Chris, I just can't imagine why that is.

Sorry, but this is going to come as a shock to people like Chris Stewart and California Rep. Devin Nunes, whose House Intelligence Committee found no collusion but rather a Deep State conspiracy to topple the president. Reality time: The Senate Intelligence Committee, chaired by Republican Sen. Richard Burr, found collusion aplenty in their recently published report. "Paul Manafort's presence on the campaign and proximity to Trump created opportunities for Russian intelligence services to exert influence over, and acquire confidential information on, the Trump campaign," the report says. Further, the intel says Trump spoke directly to Roger Stone about WikiLeaks and the hacked Hillary Clinton emails to be dumped on the day after the Access Hollywood tapes caught Trump on a hot mic bragging about sexually assaulting women. The report goes on for 966 pages detailing nefarious deed that toe the line of conspiracy. But it's old news now, and apparently it no longer matters. So few people are aware of it that Republican congressmen continue to call it a hoax without being called out. And, so it goes. And no, you're not crazy—it's the rest of the world.

OK, Wilson, what do you and the guys in the band have that will help steady the Good Ship Smart Bomb and our faithful readers so we can sail away from Crazyville:

Wooden ships on the water, very free and easy
Easy, you know, the way it's supposed to be
Silver people on the shoreline, let us be
Talkin' 'bout very free and easy

Go take your sister, then, by the hand
Lead her away from this foreign land
Far away, where we might laugh again
We are leaving, you don't need us...

"Wooden Ships"—Crosby, Stills & Nash)

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