ARIES (March 21-April 19)
In her book Courtney Love: The Queen of Noise, Melissa Rossi reports that in the mid-1990s “Courtney surrounded herself with a coterie of soothsayers, even approaching hipster stargazer Rob Brezsny, who declined to provide his astrological services.” Rossi doesn’t explain why I declined, but I’ll tell you. Courtney wasn’t interested in the kind of information I specialize in. She pressed me to tell her whether her romantic future should be with Trent or Billy, and I urged her to talk about the changes she could make in herself and her life to get clear about what she wanted. She implored me to predict her future, and I prodded her to formulate intelligent questions that would help her create a beautiful and interesting future for herself. I bring this up, Aries, because in the coming weeks I hope you will do what I suggested she try back then.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Taurus actor Pierce Brosnan told Parade magazine how shocking it was to get fired after playing the role of James Bond for four films. But after the initial pain he felt from being rejected, he eventually got to the point where he could say, “I’m free now. I can do anything I want.” What helped him recover was conjuring up the proper attitude. “You’ve got to be a fighting rooster,” he said. That’s half of my prescription for you in the coming week, Taurus. Be a charismatic warrior as you push to further your highest ideals and brightest desires. Be a stylishly fierce liberator in charge of designing your own freedom. Be a fighting rooster with the heart of an artist.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Do you believe in higher love at first sight? How about instant enlightenment? And what about higher love at first sight that brings instant enlightenment, or instant enlightenment that provokes higher love at first sight? These are themes I suspect you’ll soon be flirting with, Gemini. In order to get all of the blessings from the lessons they’ll offer, you must dispense with your preconceived notions about what they might entail. You’ve got to wash your own brain so it’s nice and clean and empty of expectations.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Your creed for the last three months of 2008 comes from Nikos Kazantzakis: “By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired.” Memorize this meme, Cancerian. Imprint it on your subconscious mind. Make it so much a part of you that it breathes as you breathe, and dreams as you dream. Allow it to turn you into a magician whose potent desire is as strong as the longings of ten normal people put together.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
Gleeking is a term that refers to a special kind of projectile spitting. To do it, you’ve got to practice. It involves pressing your tongue against your submaxillary salivary gland when a pool of drool has accumulated nearby. I recommend this practice for you in the coming week, Leo. It’ll be a favorable time for you to be undignified, unpredictable, and even outrageous in expressing yourself. Other suggested practices: telling unruly stories concisely, speaking the truth with picturesque but disciplined extravagance, adding some vivid new slang to your body language, and skipping and hopping or even dancing as you walk. (For instructions on how to gleek, go to tinyurl.com/hn7vo.)
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Talk back to those annoying voices in your head, Virgo—I mean those nagging little chatterers who are second-guessing you 10 times a day, who are trying to undermine your faith in what you started in recent weeks. And as you respond to their agitation, do so with poise and grace—not with defensiveness, not with bitter complaint, but with a quietly aggressive confidence that the lucid intuitions you relied on to launch your new projects were basically sound. The annoying little voices are trying to convince you that you should go back to Square 1, when in fact you’re on the right track but merely need to do some tinkering.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
“New ideas show up disguised innocently as interruptions, contradictions and embarrassing dilemmas,” says motivational speaker Rob Lebow. “Beware of total strangers and friends alike who shower you with comfortable sameness, and remain open to those who make you uneasy, for they are the true messengers of the future.” That excellent advice is my birthday present to you, Libra. If you make use of it during the next three weeks, I bet you’ll consistently be in the right place at the right time to extract the maximum benefit from your blind dates with destiny.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Robert Downey Jr. is grateful to Burger King for serving him such gross food. After eating a particularly foul meal there in 2003, he told Empire magazine, he was so disgusted that he drove to the beach and hurled all of his drugs into the sea. It was the shock he needed to begin the process of kicking his addiction. In that spirit, Scorpio, I suggest you seek out a similar epiphany—whether that involves an encounter with greasy, fried cow meat or some other phenomenon that triggers your urge to rise up and purify yourself.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
It’s a seller’s market for you, Sagittarius. If I were you, I wouldn’t buy a bunch of new stuff or invest in unripe possibilities. Rather, I’d cash in on the hard work I’ve been doing for many months now. I’d quit while I was ahead. I’d liquefy assets that might soon decline in their value to me but that are still at the height of their value to other people. In order for you to summon the brisk confidence necessary to pull this off, you’ll have to resist greedy temptations to hold on to everything a little while longer.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Most American companies don’t pay any federal income tax. During a recent seven-year period, 1.3 million businesses earned well over a trillion dollars but didn’t pony up a penny to the U.S. government. I mention this, Capricorn, because it’s now a favorable time, astrologically speaking, for you to seek comparable perks. Look into this, please: Maybe you don’t have to keep having your assets drained in ways you’ve always assumed were inevitable. I’m talking metaphorically as well as literally; I’m referring to emotional and psychic energy as well as actual money. Are there any legal and ethical loopholes you can exploit to free yourself from long-running burdens?
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Once upon a time, Brave Aquarius wandered out to the edge of the known universe in search of mind-blowing sensations and foreign titillations and clues to the future. So imagine Brave Aquarius’s amazement when the rather attractive ogre who was guarding the rope bridge that crossed over the abyss said, “Stop! You’re headed the wrong way! The mind-blowing sensations and foreign titillations and clues to the future you crave are back in the direction you came from. In fact, they are all the way back where you started.” What to do? The ogre’s advice was counter-intuitive and downright confounding. But Brave Aquarius, being foremost an experimental adventurer, thought, “Hmmm. I guess maybe I’ll try what the ogre suggested. What could be more experimental and adventurous than changing my mind?”
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
Blessings will come if you cultivate as much stillness as possible. I’m not just talking about reducing the noise levels, although that’s a good first step. Other things you might want to do: Cut way down on your use of the phone; text-message sparingly; surf the Internet 70 percent less than usual; avoid watching TV news altogether; and don’t hang around people whose minds zip around like chimps on meth. As for your own monkey mind: See if you can enjoy some periods each day when the monkey gets to lie down in a soft place and watch the wide sky roll by.
Go to RealAstrology.com for Rob Brezsny’s expanded weekly audio horoscopes and daily text-message horoscopes. Audio horoscopes also available by phone at 877-873-4888 or 900-950-7700.