8. Buy a magazine with the headline "Get Bikini Ready!" Eat magazine instead of lunch.

7. Switch to diet soda. Arguing with "healthy" friends about the dangers of diet soda burns calories.

6. Join CrossFit. Talking incessantly about CrossFit also burns calories.

5. Bicycle to work. If unemployed, bicycle to liquor store.

4. Use a weight-tracking app, like MyFitnessPal or GoodMorningLardass.

3. Have a salad with every meal. Said meals should consist of only a cigarette and a vicodin.

2. Train with a workout buddy. A much, much, much fatter workout buddy.

1. Be between 21-25. Any older, no one cares.