Eight ways to still get high legally after the Utah legislature criminalizes Spice:

8. Sniff this paper really, really hard.

7. For those reading online, stick your tongue in any USB port.

6. Cough syrup. If unavailable, substitute maple syrup with a Jagermeister sidecar.

5. Find the smelliest vendor at the Farmers Market; ask for their most organic “product.”

4. Bang head repeatedly against a brick wall—ask any local Democrat.

3. Lick a stripper pole in Ogden. Actually, lick anything in Ogden.

2. Sync the new David Archuleta album up with Pineapple Express; concentrate.

1. Through the power of the Lord … by sniffing the Deseret News really, really hard.

Bill Frost: