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How to get the message across once and for all.
By Ryan Cunningham
Bringing your own booze to a holiday party is a polite gesture. It says to the host, "Thank you for inviting me into your home on this august occasion of celebration and cheer." But bringing over a few Bud Light Lime Raz-Ber-Ritas says something entirely different. It says, "I don't respect you as a human being, so here's an abundant supply of a beverage that tastes like a mixture of fruit punch, rubbing alcohol and sadness. Enjoy! Where's the beer?"
At fine State Liquor Stores everywhere, abc.utah.gov
Here are two things that are pretty useless: Christmas-themed Christmas gifts and all holiday music except for The Drifters' version of "White Christmas." That's what makes A Cabbage Patch Christmas—available at Randy's Records—such a cruel offering. I especially recommend this inexcusable novelty album for parents with young children. Perhaps suggest digitizing it so the kids can jam to this irrelevant pop culture relic on their grimy iPads for the next seven months. They'll thank you for it. Just kidding—they'll curse your name, but hey, there's a reason they're on this list anyway.
157 E. 900 South, Salt Lake City. 801-532-4413, randysrecords.com
I don't know for sure, but there's a chance this Filipino snack food is legally prohibited from using the word "cheese" in its product name. What I do know is that the 60-gram bag of "cheese flavored corn curls" somehow packs 20 grams of saturated fat, according to its nutrition facts ("nutrition," lol). That's exactly 100 percent of a person's recommended daily value. Give this chizzy treat to someone who deserves to die a slow, cardiovascular death.
Southeast Market, 422 E. 900 South, Salt Lake City. 801-363-5474, southeastmarket.com
In this "high-voltage martial arts drama," a squad of undercover agents are plagued by a series of mysterious assassinations. So naturally, the experienced law-enforcement professionals turn to karate champion Matt Logan (played by actual karate champion Chuck Norris) to solve the case. I picked this 1979 craptacular motion picture from a box filled with countless VHS tapes for sale at Utah Book & Magazine because it was still in its original plastic wrap—people love brand new stuff, right?
327 S. Main, Salt Lake City. 801-359-4391
If you're trying to find the perfect gift for an asshole, here's something that's made specifically for assholes. Dude Wipes are like baby wipes but for grown-ass men. According to the product's website, they're 25 percent bigger than most wipes, unscented and completely flushable. You can pick up a 48-wipe pack at your local grocery store, but I recommend gifting a "Dude Squad" subscription to serve as a monthly reminder of where the recipient can stick it.
Available at any Smith's location, smithsfoodanddrug.com
Sometimes the noblest gift we can give someone is a humbling reminder of the frailty of our existence. One day Betsy was alive and well, barking at strangers and futilely chasing birds in the backyard. Now she's dead, and all that remains is this solid stone plaque commemorating her disconcertingly short life. Oh Betsy. We hardly knew ye. Seriously, I have no idea whose dog this was.
Multiple locations, deseretindustries.org
Here's what's going to happen: The gift recipient will lift this trophy out of its cheap gift bag, examine the impressive accolades, and feel a sudden rush of crushing disappointment after they realize they'll never be as good as Beazer. They'll never know what it's like to achieve and sustain such an untouchable level of excellence. They'll feel the full heft of that first-place trophy and awaken to their own insurmountable mediocrity. No one beats Beazer. No one.
Multiple locations, deseretindustries.org
The beauty of this gift is that it turns the recipient into a stone-cold liar the moment they accept it: "No sir, you did not meet Vanna White at RC Willey. You know what else? You've never met Vanna White. Period. And I wouldn't be surprised if you've never even set foot in an RC Willey. You don't even know who Vanna White is, do you? How are you gonna pour coffee into that mug when it's already full of LIES? You disgust me."
Multiple locations, deseretindustries.org
Happy Christmas to all (except poor Betsy), and to all a good night!
