Thanksgiving Day is the time each year when we give thanks to the Native Americans who saved the Pilgrims' bacon.
Yes, it was on the fateful, cold, snowy day all those years ago when the Pilgrims were near starvation. Like a miracle, the Indians appeared bearing turkey, mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce. In return, we stole their land. No good deed goes unpunished.
But that's all history now and as the old saw goes: the winners get to write history. So we can laud our ancestors for braving the New World and forget the rest.
Thanksgiving, of course, has changed since the Pilgrims washed up at Plymouth Rock. Now it's a time for friends and family to get together, eat a lot of carbs and turkey and get stoned on tryptophan, the amino acid that makes you feel dumb and happy. After pie, it's time to crawl onto the couch or Barcalounger and watch several games of exciting football and take that much awaited Thanksgiving nap.
This year, there are many things for which we should be thankful. Top of the list is that Donald Trump has been reelected president and will do all kinds of great things, like lower the price of eggs with tariffs. He'll make gasoline go back to $1.95. Inflation will go down so much that you'll be able to buy a beach house in Puerto Rico for almost nothing.
Mostly, we should be thankful that Trump will usher in four years of love and compassion and understanding. Be thankful.
Bracing for Four More Years
People who didn't vote for Donald Trump are scurrying about trying to find ways not to go insane. How could this happen—the Orange Monster coming to destroy everything—again? Yikes.
Self-help books are flying out of Amazon.com, shrinks are putting in overtime, sales of Wild Turkey are way up and almost everyone is talking about Canada or Portugal. It's not too soon to escape.
The Orange Monster's cabinet picks are already making Trump Haters crazy. Dog-killer Kristi Noem for Homeland Security, Russian asset Tulsi Gabbard for National Intelligence, snake oil salesman Mehmet Oz for director of Medicare and Medicaid. On and on it goes, like Stephen King's horror story, The Shining. Here's Johnny!
What to do? Where to go? What to drink? Some have stopped watching the news. Some are enrolling in cooking classes. Others have done things like sign up for scuba lessons with the idea that being underwater will keep Trump World from invading their sore psyches that have been poisoned with nasty rubbish the Orange Monster uses like a weapon.
They need a mental detox—perhaps an extended trip to India, where they can rediscover the wonders of life. Or do what Timothy Leary suggested during the '60s and '70s: tune in, turn on and drop out. Or take up Bob Marley's quest: “Get up, stand up, don't give up the fight.”
Wake Up—Woke, Whatever it is, is Bad, Bad, Bad
Woke is a bad thing. It's hard to define, but you know it when you see it. Republicans see it a lot. For example, we got a woke military and it has to get un-woke and quick, said Pete Hegseth, Trump's nominee for Secretary of Defense.
It's like this: woke is for sissies and if there's one thing we don't need it's a sissy military. Women Marines in combat trenches? It has to stop. The few, the proud, the sissy Marines. It's a disgrace. And so Hegseth, a Fox & Friends host, is going to fix it.
“I’m straight up just saying we should not have women in combat roles,” he said.
That, of course, doesn't include women in hotel rooms fighting off unwanted advances. Hegsmith has been accused of sexual assault. No charges have been filed, but sex assault allegations in the Trump administration aren't necessarily a bad thing.
The military isn't the only place that's woke, according to Republicans. There's education, Critical Race Theory, transgender athletes and basically anything on the Democrats’ immoral agenda.
Here in Utah, we're fighting woke, too. Take DEI (diversity, equity, inclusion) programs for example. Gov. Spencer Cox cancelled them in state colleges and universities because they're evil and make white people feel bad. Cox also signed the Legislature's “bathroom” bill so that trans people can't go to the toilet.
Woke is bad and demonic Democrats are spreading it like a virus. Wake up America—don't get woke!
Postscript—That's a wrap for another festive week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of government inefficiencies so you don't have to.
Oh wait, the staff here at Smart Bomb no longer has to do that because Elon Musk, the world's richest man, is now in charge of government efficiency for Donald Trump when he assumes the reins at the White House. The Efficiency Czar will team with Georgia Rep. Majorie Taylor Greene to whittle the government down to size.
Who better to join the Muskovites than Greene, who has demonstrated time and again her sophistication about such things as Jewish satellites and wildfires, the Monkeypox STD and government control of the weather. And she has even been highly critical of Nancy Pelosi's Gazpacho Police. Policing soup just goes too far. Majorie and Elon, a tag-team for the ages.
Musk, of course, knows a thing or two about efficiency, the South African snuck into the U.S. as an undocumented alien to earn his fortune. Some frowny faces wonder why a guy with hundreds of government contracts should be in charge of anything surrounding the federal budget. But hey, this the Trump era, where making a buck from your government ties—like Trump and family did repeatedly in his first term—is OK if you say you are rooting out corruption in the swamp. What could be more efficient than that?
Well Wilson, the place may be going to hell but the holidays must go on. Otherwise, how could we have Black Friday and Cyber Monday and our dual celebrations of the Savior and capitalism?
But as dark as things might appear we must carry on. So why don't you and the guys in the band take us out with a little something for all of Santa's little helpers who can force a smile no matter what:
As I walk through
This wicked world
Searchin' for light in the darkness of insanity.
I ask myself
Is all hope lost?
Is there only pain and hatred, and misery?
And each time
I feel like this inside,
There's one thing I wanna know:
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding? Ohhhh
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?
And as I walked on
Through troubled times
My spirit gets so downhearted sometimes
So where are the strong
And who are the trusted?
And where is the harmony?
Sweet harmony. '
Cause each time I feel it slippin' away, just makes me wanna cry.
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding? Ohhhh
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?
“Peace, Love & Understanding”—Elvis Costello
