Good Mormons Had to Vote Trump | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly
Support the Free Press | Facts matter. Truth matters. Journalism matters
Salt Lake City Weekly has been Utah's source of independent news and in-depth journalism since 1984. Donate today to ensure the legacy continues.

News » Opinion

Good Mormons Had to Vote Trump

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis



You can't be a good Mormon unless you voted for Trump. Sen. Mike Lee—a righteous Mormon himself—compared Trump to Capt. Nemo—no wait, that was Capt. Moroni, a bonified Mormon hero who made Guatemala Great Again. You can just see those red MGGA caps a thousand years ago.

Mormons love Trump, because he loves "religious freedom" that makes it OK to discriminate against heathens who want to make us bake cakes for homosexuals and have insurance for women's health issues. Trump says women should be punished for killing babies. As we now know, despite what Fox News says, Trump was reelected. Here in Utah, we voted 58 percent to 38 percent for Trump. So, he must have won despite Trump's own Homeland Security guy, Chris Krebs, who said this was the most secure election ever. Then, of course, Trump fired him.

We've stuck with Trump this long, so why stop now? He has made us Great Again in so many ways and—discounting his immorality, dishonesty and disdain for our institutions—he exemplifies our values as good Mormons. And besides, Latter-day Saints cannot vote for Democrats; those evil socialists want to turn us into Norway, the happiest country on earth. Good Americans hate happiness; it's bad for gun sales.

Why Trump Should Stay in the White House
1. To save democracy
2. If he leaves, he'll face criminal prosecution
3. Because Republicans love fairness
4. So Trump Hotel in Washington won't go broke
5. Because Ivanka will face criminal prosecution
6. So QAnon won't go even more bonkers
7. Only he can save us from the COVID-19 hoax
8. So his golf course can get $$ from Secret Service sleepovers
9. To kiss up to Putin and Kim Jong-un
10. So Rudy Giuliani will have a job

In Heaven, There Is No COVID
You are lying in a hospital bed extremely ill. A nurse comes in wearing a face mask, a face shield, head covering and special clothing and gloves. You say, "Why are you wearing all that weird crap?" And the nurse says, "It's to keep me from spreading the coronavirus that's making you ill." Then you say, that's BS 'cause COVID-19 is a hoax. The nurse says, "No, it's real, and you have it, and we are going to give you medications to help you recover." Then you say, "Nonsense, I must have something else."

A day later, a team comes in dressed like astronauts to put you on oxygen and you say, "You bastards, what are you doing?" They explain that you need oxygen because your lungs aren't working properly, and you are not getting enough oxygen due to the coronavirus. Then you say, "Joe Biden is destroying this country, and you're all a bunch of commie-loving bastards, and I don't have COVID."

Your brother arrives the following day to visit, and the doctor tells him you have died of COVID-19. Then your brother says, "You liars, that's BS—Trump says so. It's like a cold or something. Where's my brother?"

You're now up in heaven looking down on 250,000 graves of Americans who succumbed to COVID-19. Then, you say, "I wonder if they realize this is all a hoax."

Postscript—Like it or not, the holidays have arrived and that means it's time to spend money on Christmas. We barely get the turkey leftovers put away, and it's Black Friday and jingle bells. Jesus of Nazareth probably didn't imagine a Black Friday where we're commanded: Thou shall go forth and shop.

In this country, Jesus and capitalism are tied closely together, which is hard to explain to aliens. Of course, Christianity did not get to this place of big spending overnight. When Jesus was up on the cross 2,000 years ago, he probably wasn't thinking about Christmas trees and stocking stuffers.

He gave his life for our sins, which probably include gluttony. How did we get here? Wilson and the guys in the band blame the whole thing on St. Nicholas, who became St. Nick and then Santa Claus. Historical accounts vary, but one of the first of these dudes is believed to be a fourth century Greek bishop. We're pretty sure they didn't have Black Fridays back then. But another version dated from the third century comes from Germany. The hang-up there is that Christianity didn't arrive in Germany 'till the fifth century, meaning Santa Claus was a pagan. You might want to keep this to yourself unless your in-laws are druids. Of course, people celebrate Christmas in different ways. In Australia, there is no dreaming of a white Christmas, so they go to the beach. Old Santa would be sweating like crazy, unless he stripped down to a swimsuit, which isn't really a yuletide vision. But it's the spirit of giving that counts, and Amazon is going to be very busy this year, so start shopping now. Deck the friggin' halls.

Well, Wilson, we know you and the guys aren't ready for the holidays, and probably never will be. It's way too early for carols, but maybe some kind of pagan tune would hit the spot:

Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night
And wouldn't you love to love her?
She rules her life like a bird in flight
And who will be her lover

She is like a cat in the dark
And then she is the darkness
She rules her life like a fine skylark
And when the sky is starless

All your life you've never seen
Woman taken by the wind
Would you stay if she promised you heaven?
Would you even try?
Would you even try?

"Rhiannon"—Stevie Nicks with Fleetwood Mac