Hair Apparent | Deep End | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

News » Deep End

Hair Apparent

Rep. Carl Wimmer givs props to an important Utah artifact.


It’s virtually certain that Rep. Carl Wimmer, R-Herriman, universally regarded as a fine figure of a man, will be successful in his determined campaign to honor an entity that has meant so much to the people of Utah. We have long been able to pay proper respect to our state bird (seagull), state flower (sego lily), state animal (elk), state insect (honey bee), and state rock (coal). Now, thanks to Utah’s top patriot and power lifter (Wimmer’s personal best is 554 pounds), we will now be able to pay homage to the officially designated Utah state hairpiece, the Sir Samson Lace Front by Virility Hair Systems of Hollywood.

“I don’t know where I would be today,” said a visibly emotional Rep. Wimmer, “if it wasn’t for the Sir Samson Lace Front. For years I wore hairpieces that sat on my bald head like a dead rodent, and people never looked me in the eye, they just stared at that rug. Maybe the most embarrassing thing that happened in my whole life was when I was out on a developing situation with my SWAT team, and a sharpshooter took aim at my hairpiece, I think it was the Sir Galahad model, thinking I was under attack by an unidentified object.

“But once I discovered the Sir Samson Lace Front, the folks in Herriman started taking me seriously. Not only was I elected to the legislature, I found I could lift at least another 50 pounds in my weight-lifting competitions, plus the fact that my hairpiece stayed securely glued even though I was sweating like a feral pig.”

Rep. Wimmer said he summoned the courage to come out of the hairpiece closet after a long study of American history. “It’s a little known fact that our Founding Fathers got fed up with paying such high taxes on their powdered wigs, the forerunners of our modern hairpieces. King George, on the other hand, didn’t have to pay a farthing for his fancy wigs, which were made from the shorn tresses of Scottish sheep.

“If you look carefully at photos of George Washington, Ben Franklin, or even Thomas Jefferson, you can see what pitiful hairpieces they had to put up with. It wasn’t his wooden false teeth that made the Father of Our Country look like such a sourpuss, it was from his smelly wig made from the woodland moose.”

Rep. Wimmer was eager to defend himself from the criticism of anti-hairpiece activists who claim he is in the pocket of the hairpiece industry. “They think I spend all my time in the gym—you know, they would be a lot better off if they did some lifting to pump up their puny pecs. Actually, I have devoted several hours over the last few years listening to books on tape published by the Patriotic Society for Secure Hairpieces, and I remember as if it were just yesterday when I heard the actor Patrick Stewart, a baldy who would look better in a Sir Samson, recite the famous speech by Patrick Henry, in which he proclaimed, ‘Give me liberty, or give me a good hairpiece.’ ”

According to Rep. Wimmer, his researches indicate that an early proponent of hairpiece freedom was the noted philosopher John Locke, who wrote extensively on the right to control one’s property, body and body byproducts. “In his groundbreaking Two Treatises of Government, Mr. Locke, who, by the way, wore an impressive-looking hairpiece, probably the Charles II Libertine model, Mr. Locke, I say, argued that there was a divine right to a good head of hair.  So even though we are all not created equal in the hair department, we all have the right to the best hairpiece money can buy.”

In spite of his strong belief in the divine right to a natural-looking hairpiece, Rep. Wimmer is donating his Sir Samson Lace Front, along with the Transbase foundation, to the state of Utah, where it will be displayed in the Capitol rotunda.  “The taxpayers won’t have to pay a red cent for the display,” said Rep. Wimmer, doing his best to hold back tears. “Not only am I donating the Sir Samson, I am also giving the state, free of charge, the Styro Head base on which the hairpiece reposes overnight.

“This is a great sacrifice on my part, so I am inviting my constituents to visit my Facebook page and vote on my next hairpiece, the Millennium Prophet, the Mike Leavitt Prep, or the Orrin Porter Rockwell Sharpshooter.”

Add a comment