8. “You make my heart skip a beat. Or it could be the meth.”

7. “It’s not us, it’s you. Regards, the Society of Professional Journalists.”

6. “We’ll B together 4ever, B-cause I’m taking U back 2 hell.”

5. “Congratulations on five years of diligent adequacy.”

4. “I could never do better than you. At least not in this price range.”

3. “Did it hurt? When you fell from your high horse?”

2. “Our love will last an eternity. Which, due to your atheistic beliefs and poor diet, should only be a few more months.”

1. “You’ve been doing The Ocho for five years; I’ve been doing your mom for six.”