8. Most of the intricate plot dynamics of My Little Pony.

7. That mankind will never know if the refrigerator light really goes out when the door closes.

6. To wipe front to back—and he didn't need no guv'ment-funded sex farm to tell him how.

5. How to tie a clip-on tie without any help from Jeanette.

4. That Utah's separation distance of Church and State is approximately the size of a white-male member in January.

3. How to prepare his own Toaster Strudels in a pinch.

2. The concept of "coloring outside the lines," as someone who works exclusively in crayon.

1. The contemporary social politics of 1955.