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News » Opinion

Hey Mormonland—This Bud's for You

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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People out in the real world often make fun of Utah. But just because Mormons (almost) never drink and (almost) never swear is no reason to poke fun. The Beehive State has always had the reputation of a place where you can't get a drink. But that's not really true because, according to Wilson and the band, locals always keep a bottle of George Dickel under the driver's seat. Well, listen, times have changed, and you can now go to a restaurant and get a drink as long as your children are blindfolded. And lookit, we now have Five Wives Vodka and Polygamy Porter. See, we do have a sense of humor. And now even Budweiser has caught on. The Tribune's booze specialist, Kathy "Straight Up" Stephenson, broke the news that specially designed Budweiser bottles will be emblazoned with Utah cuss words, such as, "Oh My Heck" and "Frick Yeah" as part of its "The Beer Utah Swears by" campaign. (We are not making this up.) The labels will have scenes of Delicate Arch and the Wasatch Mountains. But no, the Salt Lake LDS Temple won't grace any beer bottles—that's just a swig too far. Still, you know Utah (Mormon) lawmakers are going to hate this. Can't you just hear them: "We told you, start selling 5 percent beer and everything goes right to shit, er um, heck."

Crowing for Jim Crow
Voter suppression is as American as ballpark hot dogs, and them suckers at Delta and Coca-Cola should just shut the f—k up, said Sen. Mitch "Corporate Bucks" McConnell after CEOs from a number of large corporations came out against new Georgia voting laws aimed at restricting minority access. Shocker: Utah's Republican congressional delegation got on board with McConnell to push back—hey, let's boycott Coca-Cola, Delta Airlines, Porsche USA, UPS, Bank of America and Major League Baseball, which doesn't know their ass from third base. (Great strategy—just keep digging, guys.) This ain't no Jim Crow, crowed Georgia Gov. Brian P. Kemp, who, as secretary of state, purged over 340,000 voters just before he ran for governor. He beat Stacey Abrams by less than 55,000 votes. Georgia Republicans tightened up voting restrictions again after Joe Biden and two Democrats in Senate races won the state. Texas and other states followed suit—Jim Crow, who? In 2013, the U.S. Supreme Court, in a 5-4 decision, cut the heart out of the 1965 Voting Rights Act that required federal oversight of states with histories of discrimination. Voter suppression is no longer a problem, explained Chief Justice John Roberts. Cock-a-doodle-do.

Liars, Liars, Pants on Fires
The sky is falling, and so is our democracy. Lucky thing, seven Democrats are going to save it—the democracy not the sky. Utah's Ben "Boy Scout" McAdams along with former representatives from New York, South Carolina, Oklahoma and New Mexico, as well as former candidates from New York and Indiana, have created Shield PAC—to shield Dems from GOP BS. "Our plan is to counter the torrent of lies that helped cost us our elections in 2020," they wrote in a column for USA Today. If they're talking about people like Burgess "I've-Got-a-Secret" Owens, then we can hardly blame them. According to Owens, Democrats are socialists who eat baby parts on pizza. The PAC hopes to get its message out early in 2022 to avoid being labeled commie baby-eaters. "Republicans will lie about [Democrats] because it worked against us and because they have nothing else to run on," they wrote. "They have abandoned their long-held principles [and] they have no new ideas ... " Don't you wonder what would happen if the Utah Democratic Party did something like that at a grass-roots level? We could have a two-party state. Never mind, they're too busy eating lunch on the expense account at the New Yorker. (And, no, they didn't order pizza).

Postscript—Well that's about it for another week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of those zany Utah Republicans so you don't have to. Speaking of which, Gov. Spencer Cox, the congressional delegation and every Republican who loves freedom and Tasty Cream Donuts has put Joe Biden on notice: If you unilaterally mess with Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante national monuments without our permission, we will get real mad and hold our breath until ... . That's pretty rich when you consider it was former Sen. Orrin Hatch who induced the Once and Future King to slice up said monuments after ego massages with happy endings. Trump cut Bears Ears by 85 percent and Grand Staircase by half. Unilaterally, you say? Well, get this: President Obama asked Utah leaders to propose a plan for Bears Ears, but the so-called "Public Lands Initiative" sponsored by former Utah Rep. Rob Bishop was purposely stillborn. Oil, gas and minerals are practically nil there, but these lands and antiquities need protection from what Ed Abbey called "industrial tourism"—exhibit No. 1: Moab. National monument designations would go a long way toward protecting them. It's too bad it will drive Utah Republicans nuts—or should we say nuttsier.

Well, Wilson, you and guys like to roam red-rock country to get your minds right. So, what do you and the band have that will give us that earthy clean freedom-thing that makes it all worthwhile:

Just listen to the wind blow
Let it blow, let it blow
Sand over my trail
I got my saddle on the ground
And that ol' moon, he can still be found
Hidin' in the desert sky

And when I die let me die
With a dream in my mind
A smile on my face and no trouble behind
And no cross on my grave
To show my restin' place

So I can listen to the wind blow
Let it blow, let it blow
Sand over my trail
I got my saddle on the ground
And that ol' moon, he can still be found
Hidin' in the desert sky...

"Desert Skies"—Marshall Tucker Band

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