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Holy Housewife, It's Mrs. God!

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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You think you get ignored. Well, how do you think Heavenly Mother feels? Really, nobody ever mentions her, not even at Thanksgiving. Here at Smart Bomb, we take our cues about Mrs. God from Salt Lake Tribune soothsayer Peggy Fletcher Stack. In a recent epistle, Ms. Stack said Mother in Heaven is gaining popularity within Mormondom. But not all Latter-day Saints are pleased: "'In some quarters, she has become domesticated as God the Father's wife, with no identity beyond birthing spirit children, or as a 'heavenly housewife,'" they complain." Oh, Heavenly Housewife! What a bummer. Is there house cleaning in heaven? Poor Mrs. God, she sounds a little like Rodney Dangerfield. "She never gets a break," said Margaret Toscano, who was banished by LDS leaders, Stack says, after writing about God the Mother. It's unclear why Matthew, Mark, Luke and John didn't mention Mrs. God in the New Testament. But what the hell, that was before women's lib. And why not? American Indians call this planet Mother Earth, and they should know. And according to Wilson and the band, if there is breakfast in heaven, there's a Mrs. God, er uh, Heavenly Mother. (We'll stop digging here.)

Sarah Palin Will Sing to Your Kid For $$$
You heard right, for $199, the former governor of Alaska and vice-presidential candidate will sing Happy Birthday to your kid. And if that doesn't scare the hell out of you, we don't know what will. Former Utah Congressman Jason Chaffetz will do the job for $45, which could put your child in the psych ward—but it would be great payback to have him yodel to your former boss. It's all part of Cameo, the outfit that allows you to connect with celebrities (We couldn't possibly make this up). You can get Chuck Norris for $450 or Caitlyn Jenner for $2,500. There are 3,000 choices. So, the staff here at Smart Bomb got to thinking, what if we hired The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City to sing "Afternoon Delight" to Gov. Spencer Cox? (Cool.) Or what if we hire former Utah House Speaker Greg Hughes to sing "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?," to Salt Lake City Mayor Erin Mendenhall. (Yecht.) How much would we have to pay Georgia firebrand Marjorie Taylor Greene to sing "Ring My Bell" to Sen. Mitt Romney? But we needn't pay a dime to get Ted Cruz to sing "Tonight's the Night" to Liz Cheney. So, if you want to impress that special someone go to cameo.com. What could possibly go wrong?

Run for Your Rights to La Verkin
The freedom loving folks of St. George are mad as hell, and they're not gonna take it anymore. That's why the county commission declared all of Washington County a "sanctuary for constitutional rights and freedoms" last week. Yeah, damn it. Ever get the feeling those jack-booted feds are gonna come to get your guns and that crossbow you have for sporting purposes only (except for that one time with the neighbor's dog). Well that's your Second Amendment right, damnit! And did you ever get the sneaking sensation those cancel-culture bastards are going to stop you from posting conspiracy theories on social media? They want to brainwash us into thinking Joe Biden is president. Well, that's your First Amendment right, damnit! Did you ever think they might break down your door and jail you without a trial and without facing your accuser, like with those Jan. 6 Capitol patriot fighters? Well, that's your Sixth Amendment right, damnit! That's why people still fly "Trump" flags—because they stole the election, and now they're stealing everything. We want our country back. Til then, we'll hold out in La Verkin, like Butch and Sundance, where them mean ol' Pinkertons Nancy Pelosi and AOC can't get their stinkin' commie claws into us.

Postscript—That's a wrap for another hysterical week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of falling space junk so you don't have to. Speaking of space junk, UFO sightings have almost doubled during the year of the pandemic. Now we know why pregnancies are down: staring out the window instead of ... . It's so serious the Pentagon will convene a task force to investigate "unidentified aerial phenomena" and will publish its findings. Maybe there is life out there! But wait, if the 1961 Drake Equation is right, those aliens are looking for a new home because theirs has been destroyed. "The prime factor affecting life's prevalence: intelligent creatures tendency toward self-annihilation." This could also explain what's happening to the Republican Party. Another theory is that Republicans who hated Trump and now love him are victims of The Body Snatchers. And That Thing From Another World might explain Trump, himself. It's gotten so crazy here on Planet Earth that science fiction now seems rather ho-hum. Or as Michael Gerson, senior policy adviser to President George W. Bush, described the current state of affairs: "To be a loyal Republican, one must be either a sucker or a liar."

Well, Wilson, it's nice to know that you and the band are keeping your cool in these trying times—it must be all the meditation—right? But anyway, what do you think Liz Cheney would be singing right about now?

I've been cheated
Been mistreated
When will I be loved?

I've been put down
I've been pushed 'round
When will I be loved?

When I find a new man
That I want for mine
He always breaks my heart in two
It happens every time

I've been made blue
I've been lied to
When will I be loved?

Oh, I've been cheated
Been mistreated
When will I be loved?
When will I be loved?
Tell me, when will I be loved?

"When Will I Be Loved?"—Linda Ronstadt

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