1—Get out your buffalo-horn wooly hat, paint your face and chest and run up and down the steps at the Utah Capitol Building screaming, "Freedom! You Mothers. Freedom!"
2—Get your local militia group to dress in camo and march through City Creek Mall with AR-15 assault rifles calling out, "Nancy, where are you? Oh Nancy, we'll get you."
3—Take your megaphone and Confederate battle flag and goose-step around the Federal Building on State Street chanting, "U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A."
4—Buy some Army surplus flak jackets and some thick rope and tie nooses so you and your patriotic buddies can stand outside of the Jazz game yelling, "Hang Mike Pence. Hang Mike Pence."
5—Put on your "Trump Forever" T-shirts and get some baseball bats and bear spray and drive to the east entrance of the Salt Lake County Government Center and chant, "Stop the steal. Stop the steal. Stop the steal."
6—Invite the neighbors over and order some pizza and watch Donald Trump's Jan. 6 news conference on your wide-screen, where he will tell real Americans that he's still president and to keep hating Democrats and any lame Republicans who won't kiss his rosy-red fascist ass.
James Webb Telescope to See Back to God's Creation
As all well-informed citizens of Planet Earth know the most sophisticated telescope ever — dubbed James Webb — has been launched into space and will be able to see back to the beginning of everything — some 6,000 years ago. As God-fearing men and women know, Heaven and Earth were created in six days and on the seventh day God rested. Now, NASA scientists will be able to see Adam create Eve out of a rib and then watch as Eve flirts with a snake and eats an apple. They will leave the Garden of Eden and have two sons, Caine and Abel. Soon astronomers will be able to look back and know why Caine killed his brother. Other momentous occasions will be analyzed, such as Noah's Ark. Good Christians know the Almighty told Noah to build an Ark 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits high so he could save his family and other creatures from the Great Flood. Until now, scientists have only been able to view the Ark at Williamstown, Kentucky, where there is a life-size replica at Ark Encounter Park, near I-75 at exit 154. James Webb will resolve other issues, too, like dinosaurs were millions of years old — they went extinct in the Great Flood when Noah could not fit them on the Ark. The meek shall inherit the cosmos — or something like that.
The War on Christmas is Over—For Another Year
Let's just declare victory and get the heck out of here. Unfortunately, the United States didn't do that in Afghanistan after year 2 when the Taliban had been savaged and on the run. Nonetheless, the strategy might be perfect for the mirage that is the "War on Christmas." We won. Deck the halls and jingle bells.
The late Rush Limbaugh was a champion of fighting the War on Christmas because some people were going around saying, "Happy Holidays"—taking Christ out of Christmas and making it into a holiday for capitalists of all faiths. The nerve. They were even saying "Happy Holidays" in schools and teaching our children anti-Christian stuff, like other people have holidays, too.
Trump declared he had won the War on Christmas last month on Newsmax, which was a huge bummer for Fox News, where the talking heads have been beating that drum for as long as Wilson and the band can remember. And if that weren't bad enough, President Biden isn't even talking about the war, according to the Deseret News. At a recent holiday party Biden even said, "Merry Christmas." It just kind of ruins stuff for folks who want to feel victimized so they can lash out at someone, like that muslim from Kenya, Barack Obama.
Postscript—That's a wrap for another year here at Smart Bomb, where we keep looking on the bright side so you don't have to. A lot of media outlets and pundits take a look back at this time of year to remind us of how lucky we are—or not. Actually, there's little news over the holidays, so they do it to fill space. Whatever.
There was: COVID, COVID, COVID; Jan. 6, Jan. 6, Jan. 6; Impeachment; sex assault; Cuomo; Zillionaires go to space; Afghanistan; Facebook; the drought and a whole bunch of other stuff that gives you headaches.
And let's not forget this: The Salt Lake Tribune's Person of the Year is, wait for it... The Great Salt Lake. That's right folks, the person of the year is a lake—and a shrinking lake at that. Nonetheless, it does symbolize the leadership acumen here in Utah and across the nation.
There really are very few problems we can solve these days. Too many guns? Sorry, can't fix it. Lack of universal healthcare? Sorry, can't fix it. Education too expensive? Sorry, can't fix it. Critical Race Theory? Oh, yeah, we can fix that—no more Critical Race Theory in our schools. And so it goes. But take heart, in the immortal words of the late prescient scribe Hunter S. Thompson: "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."
Well Wilson, you and the guys in the band turned pro long ago. So here we go, like it or not, zooming (no pun intended) into a New Year. And we ought to do our best to get off on the right foot. So what do you and your band of brothers have to jump start 2022:
If life seems jolly rotten, there's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing
When you're feeling in the dumps, don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing, and...
Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the bright side of life
Life is quite absurd, and death's the final word
We must always face the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin, give the audience a grin
Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow, so...
Always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath
Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true
You can see it's all a show, keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you, and...
Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the bright side of life...
"Always Look On The Bright Side of Life"—Bruce Cockburn
