This weekend, the Syphilis Channel, er, Syfy, will unleash its 500th (give or take) original movie, the brilliantly titled Snowmageddon (Saturday, Dec. 10). Get this: It’s about a magical snow globe that, when shaken, causes disastrous results in the real world, and only Michael Hogan (Battlestar Galactica), David Cubitt (Medium) and Magda Apanowicz (Caprica) can stop it—presumably by yelling at some kid, “Hey, don’t shake that goddamned snow globe!”
Since the majority of Syfy’s Saturday-night flicks are produced for a few thousand bucks and cranked out on the quick, The Only TV Column That Matters™ has decided to hack out a script treatment and sell it to Syfy for a cool million, thus insuring my retirement before True TV becomes a stale, unwanted ghost of its former self (which, upon consulting Wikipedia, actually happened around 2004 and nobody told me).
The best part? You’re going to help! We—meaning, mostly, you—are going to generate a plot and cast for our—meaning, ultimately my—Syfy movie epic via multiple choice and/or write-in. In what’s left of the newspaper business, we call this “crowd-sourcing”; in real life, it’s also known as “content-swiping,” “idea-glomming” or “didn’t have anything else to fill a column this week.” Let’s make a better movie than Snowmageddon and me—meaning us, but really just me—rich!
Premise (choose one):
[ ] Something goes horribly wrong at a secret government lab next to a beach resort
[ ] Something goes horribly wrong at a secret government lab next to a ski resort
[ ] Something goes horribly wrong at a secret government lab next to redneck town
[ ] Something goes horribly wrong at a secret government lab next to Santa’s workshop (holiday theme)
Male Lead (choose one):
[ ] Lou Diamond Phillips
[ ] Sean Patrick Flanery
[ ] John Schneider
[ ] That one guy from Battlestar Galactica
Female Lead (choose one):
[ ] Olivia Munn
[ ] Eliza Dushku
[ ] Katherine Heigl
[ ] That one lady from Battlestar Galactica
Monster or Impending Disaster (choose one):
[ ] A lab-mutated bear/octopus hybrid created for military use
[ ] A flesh-eating super weasel frozen for thousands of years
[ ] A mythical demon warrior accidentally conjured by Criss Angel
[ ] It suddenly gets really cold/hot/windy/radiation-y, etc.
Wild Card Guest Actor (choose one):
[ ] Deena Marie
[ ] The Situation
[ ] Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force
[ ] Insane Clown Posse
Conclusion (choose one):
[ ] The monster/disaster is conquered and mankind learns a valuable lesson.
[ ] Civilization is wiped out and the surviving good-looking stars must repopulate Earth.
[ ] The story ends on a cliffhanger, leaving the possibility open for a sequel.
[ ] Mankind learns no lesson, civilization is wiped out and the female star is forced to reproduce with Insane Clown Posse, setting up the sequel Fear of a Juggalo Planet.