Into Their Couplets | Deep End | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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News » Deep End

Into Their Couplets

Utah’s big shots usher in a new year.


Everyone came to our New Year’s party,
Even Sarah Palin, trim and tarty.
Fresh from shilling her book down at Costco,
Up in Alaska she kept us safe from Moscow.
Why won’t she meet with Utah’s GOP?
Repubs like their gals ig-nernt and dopey.
But see her lift a glass with old Uncle Orrin,
She sparkles and winks, and he keeps pourin’.
He thinks she’s sexy, fresh and newish,
Eagerly, he asks, “Are you Jewish?”

Next, he boasts, “I was once the senior temple sealer,
Now, I warble ‘Have Nagila’.”
Sarah starts to sweat and drops her food,
Hoping to be rescued by her First Dude.
But he’s in the corner flirting with Marie,
Brightest blossom on the Osmond tree.
“I’ve loved you since you sang with your brothers,
I’d run off with you if I had my druthers.”
Donny dances by with Lady Gaga,
Jason Chaffetz cuts in, “You can’t hog her!”

But Gaga escapes, looking for liquor;
Jason yells, “I was a famous place-kicker!”
Through the room Chaffetz pursues her,
“Oh my heck, what if I lose her?”
Meanwhile, our guests are shocked and appalled,
“Who’s that man so righteous and bald?”
Surely he’s a crasher, or maybe a hoax,
Brothers and sisters, I present Dallin Oaks!
Ordained from above in full sanctimony,
Some say he’s a saint, others a phony.

So exceedingly radiant, he seems a Spirit,
A murmur goes round, “Should we fear it?”
We sinners fall silent, and the apostle speaks,
“Fear not, ye commies, ye homos and geeks,
I love you all, every Tom, Dick and Harry.
But God and me don’t want you to marry.
Seek ye salvation, not Satan’s darts,
Touch not each other’s naughty private parts.
I myself enjoy a good wet hickey,
That other stuff, however, really is icky.

I’m an equal opportunity excommunicator,
Death to both homo and hetero fornicator.”
The Salahis crash the party, but they can’t spoil
A medley of songs by glam Susan Boyle.
The tunes are all happy, nothing is blue-ish,
“Miss Boyle,” asks Orrin, “Are you Jewish?”
See Mayor Becker, his face flushed with passion,
Dance the polka with Kim Kardashian.

Meanwhile, Jason C. has cornered Lady Gaga,
And bores her to death with his self-centered saga.
He boasts of his airport body-imaging ban
Then offers to give her a private body scan.
Says he, “Just like you, I just can’t fake it,
Everyone wants to see both of us naked.”
Finally it’s midnight, and time for kisses,
But with H1N1, there are hits and misses.
Mayor Mia Love is feeling quite flu-ish,
Orrin puckers up, and says, “Are you Jewish?”