Irony
Early on Jan. 14, in Monterrey, Mexico, Carlos Alonso, 32, allegedly broke a glass door at Christ the King Parish and entered, intending to rob the church, Catholic News Agency reported. But as he tried to flee with a statue of St. Michael the Archangel in hand, he tripped and fell on the angel's sword, seriously wounding his neck. Passersby saw the injured Alonso and called for help; he is expected to be charged after he recovers from the fall. The statue was unharmed.
Recent Alarming Headline
On Jan. 16, a drive-thru customer at a coffee shop in Auburn, Washington, wanted more than an extra shot, KCRA-TV reported. As the barista handed Matthew Darnell, 38, his change through the window, a surveillance camera caught him grabbing her arm and pulling her toward him as he fumbled with a zip tie. The barista was able to pull away from him and close the windows as his dollar bills went flying. He drove off, but a distinctive "Chevrolet" tattoo on his arm was captured on video, along with his side profile. Police later reported that Darnell had been arrested at his home in Auburn and was held on $500,000 bail.
Molehill, Meet Mountain
After getting into a dispute with staff at Jinling Purple Mountain Hotel in Shanghai on Jan. 10 over a misplaced laptop, a 28-year-old man named Chen decided to escalate, CBS News reported. He crashed his car through the glass lobby doors and careened around the space, knocking over fixtures and terrifying other guests, who tried to get the driver out of the car. "Do you have any idea what you've done? Are you crazy? Are you?" onlookers screamed at him. As he attempted to exit the lobby, he hit a door frame and came to a stop, and police took him into custody. It turns out the laptop had been stolen and was found outside the hotel; no one was injured.
Animal Antics
Carrier pigeons have been couriers of legitimate and nefarious items for centuries, but officials at the Pacific Institution in Abbotsford, British Columbia, nonetheless were stunned when a gray bird with a tiny backpack landed in a fenced inmate prison yard on Dec. 29. The CBC reported that officers "had to corner it," according to John Randle, Pacific regional president of the Union for Canadian Correctional Officers. "You can imagine how that would look, trying to catch a pigeon." After some time, they were able to grab it and remove the package, which contained about 30 grams of crystal meth. "We've been focusing so much on drone interdiction ... Now we have to look at, I guess, pigeons again," Randle said. They set the little guy free and are investigating its origin.
Fail
When Minnechaug Regional High School in Wilbraham, Massachusetts, was built in 2012, the district installed a high-tech lighting system that was intended to save on energy costs, NBC News reported. But the software that controls the lights failed on Aug. 24, 2021, and every light in the school has been on since then. Aaron Osbourne, the assistant superintendent for the district, says the glitch is costing taxpayers "in the thousands of dollars per month on average, but not in the tens of thousands." Teachers have removed bulbs where possible, and staff have shut off breakers to darken some of the exterior lighting. But help is on the way! Parts from China have arrived to fix the problem, which is expected to be completed in February.
Family Values
• It's important to encourage your children in their scholastic endeavors. But an unnamed mother in La Grange, New York, took parental support too far when she snuck into Arlington High School on Jan. 17 before school started to watch her freshman daughter beat up another girl. The Mid Hudson News reported that Mom was caught on video using vulgar language and egging her daughter on as the girls tussled. Superintendent Dr. Dave Moyer said the woman blended in with the students coming to school by wearing a backpack. "The students and the mother involved ... will be held accountable for their actions," Moyer said.
• WSMV-TV reported that a car that crashed into a mailbox in Nashville, Tennessee, on Jan. 14 was driven by an underage motorist—really underage, as in 5 years old. The child's father, John Edwin Harris, 53, was seen by a witness grabbing the kid and running from the scene, police said. Officers found multiple open bottles of alcohol inside and ran the tags; when they arrived at Harris' home, he was driving away in his wife's car. He failed a field sobriety test, could barely stand up and smelled of alcohol. He was charged with DUI and leaving the scene of an accident—where's the child endangerment charge?!—and was released on $4,000 bond.
Repeat Offender
An unnamed 62-year-old man from Garfield Heights, Ohio, was arrested—for the 70th time—in early January after he allegedly stole a shopping cart full of packaged meat to sell to restaurants, WJW-TV reported. The Walmart in South Euclid alerted authorities to the theft; in the parking lot, the thief transferred the goods to a stolen suitcase and threw what wouldn't fit in a dumpster. He told officers he sells the meat half-price to area restaurants. He was booked, again, for theft.
It's Come to This
Between Oct. 1 and Dec. 31 of 2022, U.S. Customs and Border Protection reported a 108% increase in a certain smuggled item at ports of entry, Fox5-TV reported on Jan. 18. It wasn't fentanyl or heroin, though. Seized egg products and poultry were the hot catch as prices soared in the United States. "My advice is, don't bring them over," said CBP supervisory agriculture specialist Charles Payne. Or, he advised, if you do, declare them so you won't be fined. Thirty eggs in Juarez, Mexico, cost $3.40—a fraction of what they'd cost in the U.S. because of an outbreak of avian flu that forced producers to euthanize 43 million egg-laying hens.
Least Competent Criminal
Federal prosecutors charged Mohammed Chowdhury, 46, of Boston with one count of murder-for-hire on Jan. 17, ABC News reported, after he allegedly contracted with "hired killers," aka federal agents, on the internet. Chowdhury had shared his wife's and her boyfriend's work and home locations, photos and work schedules with the contractors, and wanted both of them snuffed out—all for $8,000, with a $500 down payment. The agents met with Chowdhury for two months to plan the murders. "No evidence. No evidence from like, you know, that, uh, I did something, you know?" Chowdhury told them. He was arrested as they met to collect the down payment; he could face up to 10 years in prison.
Awesome!
Dominican sailor Elvis Francois, 47, was rescued by the Colombian navy on Jan. 18 after surviving 24 days drifting from the island of St. Martin in the Netherlands Antilles, NPR reported. Francois said he had been making repairs to a sailboat when currents swept it out to sea. He scrawled "help" on the boat's hull, then survived on a bottle of ketchup, garlic powder, seasoning cubes and collected rainwater while he waited for a rescue. "I called my friends, they tried to contact me, but I lost the signal," Francois said. "There was nothing else to do but sit and wait." He finally caught the attention of a passing airplane by signaling with a mirror. "I thank the coast guard. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be telling the story," he said.
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