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News » Deep End

Is That a Gun in Your Pocket?

Gun nuts prepare to stick it to Obama



“On Jan. 19, 2013, go to your local gun store, gun range or gun show with your Constitution, American flags and your ‘Hands Off My Guns’ sign to send a loud and clear message to Congress and President Obama.” —Announcement of the first National Gun Appreciation Day on

No one appreciates their guns like the sovereign citizens of Utah, and already, plans are being made by gun lovers to show their gun love in a variety of venues throughout the Beehive State. They will be carrying their “Hands Off My Guns” signs to gun stores and gun ranges to send a loud and clear message to the tyrants in Washington, D.C., chief among them the tyrant of tyrants, President Barack Obama, who never passes up an opportunity to confiscate the gun of any patriot and gun lover who happens to be in his vicinity.

Always in the vanguard of gun love, the gun lovers of Utah plan to go well beyond the suggestions of the Gun Appreciation Day supporters, according to Vernon “Tiny” Dick, a self-proclaimed marksman, defender of the Second Amendment and universally acknowledged loon. Mr. Dick, first of all, wanted to emphasize that here in Utah, the name of the day honoring guns will be changed to Gun Love Day. “In these parts, we may appreciate people, but we really love guns.”

Furthermore, Mr. Dick, whose girth belies his miniscule nickname, contended that merely going to gun ranges and gun shows does not demonstrate a sufficient level of gun love. “We’re tired of practicing our gun love in the privacy of our gun ranges and gun shows and gun stores. You’ve got all these so-called special-interest groups, like gays or nudists or women who want to flaunt their special interests in public, whether it’s thongs or shlongs or pantsuits in church, and now me and my fellow gun lovers want the same privilege to worship and shoot our Glocks according the dictates of own conscience, and worship and shoot our Glocks how, where and what (pardon my bad grammar) we may.”

Mr. Dick (“Call me Tiny”) pulled his Glock out of his pants and said, “I bet mine is bigger than yours.” No one took him up on his wager. (Former BYU place-kicker and present Congressman Jason Chaffetz, who likes to pull out his Glock at the drop of a hat, especially in mixed company, was unfortunately not present to exhibit his own well-endowed Glock.) Mr. Dick went on to list some of the Gun Appreciation Day activities.

“For those modest gun lovers who have yet to come out of the closet, we will be sponsoring an event called I’ll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours. Some of our female members have complained that there is something exhibitionistic about this event, but we like to point out that when you get to see everyone else’s gun, you realize that guns come in all shapes and sizes. And as far as complaints about the sexist names for guns, it’s just a coincidence that our favorite weapons are called Glocks and Bushmasters.”

Perhaps the most exciting event of Gun Love Day, according to Mr. Dick, will be its climax. “Somehow, we can’t get it through the thick skulls of gun bashers that if we all carried Glocks and Bushmasters, we wouldn’t have those unfortunate and upsetting massacres of school children. So, what we’ve arranged is a sort of re-enactment of your average school shooting. A shooting simulation, as it were. Except we are going to bite the bullet and use real ammo, which will prove once and for all that if every principal, every teacher, every janitor, every cafeteria server, every librarian and, most important, every school child was armed with an assault weapon, well, these troubled loners who come into our schools blazing away wouldn’t kill nearly as many kids as they do now.

“We’ve lined up a lot volunteers to re-enact the latest shooting at local school—I won’t say which one, but we want everything to be very realistic. We’ve been training teachers, kids, etc., how to respond to the first bursts of automatic fire, and though hardly anyone can shoot straight, we firmly believe that there will be enough bullets flying that some are bound to hit the crazed shooter. We’ve had a few practice shootings, and by the time the real event occurs on Saturday, we will have reduced the loss of life among the children to a reasonable minimum.”

D.P. Sorensen writes a satire column for City Weekly.