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Is That Your A** Or Third Base?

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis



Two drunks are sitting in the gutter. The first one looks up and says to the guy next to him: "Is that the sun ... or is that the moon?" The second guy looks up and then back to the first guy and says: "I don't know, I'm new around here."

If you've seen reports on the Republican reaction to the first hearing of the Jan. 6 House Select Committee, then you know GOP leaders see their base as insightful as drunks in the gutter. Four Capitol Police officers testified in chilling detail of violence and injuries, and the mental anguish they continue to suffer after fearing they would die at hands of the Jan. 6 mob. Fox's Laura Ingraham called the cops' testimony "performance art," which is hilarious in and of itself. The New York Times reports that 140 officers—73 from the Capitol Police and 65 from the D.C. Metro Police—were seriously injured.

The GOP just couldn't help but call a news conference: Those nice, patriotic people who tore into the Capitol are "persecuted political prisoners." It was really Nancy Pelosi and the cops who orchestrated the insurrection. In reality, it's nothing more than political kabuki to raise funds from folks who are, apparently, willing to believe their ass is actually third base.

The Utah Way—Or Not
This is an addendum to a recent Salt Lake Tribune piece that asked the usual suspects to define "The Utah Way." Common answers were: "compromise," "conservatism," and "faith." The staff here at Smart Bomb decided to help out a little. So try these on for size, the Utah Way is:
1—Always take two Mormons when you go fishing.
2—Never pass up a multi-level marketing "opportunity."
3—More is always better.
4—When the going gets tough, the tough go on missions.
5—Gerrymandering isn't such a bad thing.
6—Asking hard questions of The Inland Port Authority isn't polite.
7—Cold beer in liquor stores would only encourage drinking.
8—When planning airports, no need to consider passengers.
9—If we get the Olympics, people won't think we're hicks.
10—And, blame the damn Democrats no matter what.

The Subversives at Sesame Street
The Muppets and other subversives at Sesame Street on PBS are at it again. Now they're trying to sow seeds in our children's impressionable brains that homosexuality is virtuous. Oh, no. Oh, yes!

Last week, a show called "Family Day" featured a married gay couple of two dads and their daughter, writes Bethany Mandel in The Deseret News. A dad named Frank and his husband, Dave, along with daughter Mia, join in a neighborhood party to surprise Big Bird. If that isn't subversive, what is?

"In modern America, though, it seems that isn't educational enough," Mandel writes. "The teaching has expanded to include not just an understanding of morality, but the acceptance of a specific moral orthodoxy."

Ahah! Moral Orthodoxy! How dare they. Mandel says she doesn't care if Mia has two dads, but "[T]he presentation isn't just designed to be educational and informative; it's meant as a symbol of virtue ... it isn't merely inclusion—it's promotion."

And there you have it: Big Bird, Cookie Monster, Count von Count and Bert and Ernie are leading the kids to Sodom and Gomorrah—part of the vast liberal conspiracy to embrace the darkest of evil and risk God's hand raining down fiery sulfur. Wow, you don't want to miss that. Stay tuned to PBS.

Post script—That's a wrap for another historic week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of mask rules and regulations so you don't have to. Don't look now people, but the past is about to become the future and we all could be wearing masks again—except for patriots who think masks steal their freedom, or at least make them look like wimps.

The Covid-19 Delta variant is surging across the country, thanks to all the real Americans who won't get vaccinated. Politicians like Sen. Mike Lee and Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis are again railing against masks, hoping to capture the "conspiracy" vote.

In Utah, the Legislature won't allow schools to mandate masks, ensuring the spread of the Delta variant. In Congress, Republicans went nuts when Nancy Pelosi reinstated a mask mandate on the advice of the congressional physician.

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert tweeted: "Covid 19 mutated into communism a long time ago." She also said "Biden's Needle Nazis" would go house-to-house forcefully vaccinating people. Her district in northwest Colorado has low vaccination rates and is surging in Covid cases. You don't say. Imagine if 18 months ago, Trump had told his minions to get vaccinated. While we're at it, we should probably wish for world peace, too.

Well Wilson, here we are stuck between a pandemic, global warming and stupidity on a grand scale. We're hoping you and the guys in the band have some kind of antidote for our troubled time:

As I walk through
This wicked world
Searchin' for light in the darkness of insanity.
I ask myself
Is all hope lost?
Is there only pain and hatred, and misery?

And each time I feel like this inside,
There's one thing I wanna know:
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?

So where are the strong?
And who are the trusted?
And where is the harmony?
Sweet harmony.

'Cause each time I feel it slippin' away, just makes me wanna cry.
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding? Ohhhh
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding? Ohhhh
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?

"What's So Funny Bout Peace, Love & Understanding"—Elvis Costello