If you love paddle boarding, boating, lakeside picnics and the good life, well then do we have a deal for you. You can get in on the ground floor—make that the lake bottom—of the best boondoggle to come down the pike since Utah legislators forked over millions to some "Utah Guys" to keep wolves from taking over the state.
It's a plan to build a bunch of islands—some 20,000 acres worth—in Utah Lake. "Now that just sounds crazy," you say to yourself of the $6.4 billion proposal—including $2.2 billion to dredge seven feet of the lake bottom. But wait, how often do you get to make islands out of thin air?
Gov. Spencer Cox put $25 million in his new budget for it. The "Island Guys'' also want $893 million in federal bucks. That's pocket change, of course, but not to worry, the "Island Guys" say they've got $6 billion lined up from secret investors. Maybe they know the people who proposed the Green River nuclear power plant.
Julie Fullmer, mayor of Vineyard on the lake's east shore, says the islands will be great. "It might make the wind cycles better for people who are living there." Did we mention sailboarding? Scientists say if it could be done, which is questionable, it would destroy the lake's ecosystem. But they just don't get scamitalism.
Shocker! Real Housewives of Salt Lake Update!
Take a deep breath and fasten your seatbelts 'cause there is news, news, news of the (Not So) Real Housewives of Salt Lake (and Park City). We've all been waiting for more back story on those lovable scamps and their day-to-day travails over jewelry, shoes, furs and back-stabbing.
Of prime interest, of course, is Jen Shah, who has been charged with felonies for scamming millions from old people via a vast telemarketing scheme that defrauded hundreds of seniors over a decade. But don't forget Mary Crosby, who got her family's empire of Pentecostal churches by marrying her dead grandmother's second husband—her own step-grandfather (nope, we're not making it up). And there's Heather Gay, who was a devout Mormon but after her divorce calls herself a "good Mormon gone bad." And Whitney Rose left the church after she had an affair with her boss, Justin.
The hits just keep coming—now streaming is an ABC/Hulu documentary, The Housewife & the Shah Shocker. And get this, Scott D. Pierce, the Trib's TV critic, who has followed the Housewives like a bloodhound, is in the new doc. Want the straight poop—look no further. And luckily you don't have to tell your friends how many times you watched it—or your bishop. Tut, tut.
Utah Voter Fraud—It Must Be Somewhere
What do you do when "voter fraud" is the battlecry of your political party but you can't find any? Well duh, you go looking for it anyway, stupid.
That's what Republicans in the Utah Legislature determined recently when they voted to look under every rock and cranny in search of ballots messed with by Italian satellites controlled by jewish Democrats in Israel. It was put in motion by House Majority Leader Rep. Mike Schultz, a patriotic Republican from Hooper.
"I don't understand what we're afraid of," he said, responding to the groans of WTF. "This will give our citizens confidence in our election process."
It's hard to find a Democrat in the Beehive State who won in the last election, making the Republican-led search seem like the remnant of a bad acid trip. But look at bright red Texas where GOPers did it, too. Of course, it had nothing to with kissing the rosy red ass of dictator-in-waiting Donald Trump, who insists the election was stolen by blatant voter fraud in Arizona, Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin.
But Utah Lt. Gov. Deidre Henderson apparently didn't get the memo: "I do worry about the overall narrative (of voter fraud) and how this may contribute to it," she said. Not to worry Deidre, no matter the outcome of 2024 balloting, Trump WINS!
Postscript—That about does it for another week of handwringing here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of dire predictions so you don't have to. Ah, but here's something nobody expected: Nick Huey, who is taking on incumbent Burgess Owens for the Republican nomination for Utah's 4th Congressional seat, has challenged the one-term lawmaker to a lie detector test. Holy shit! (Hey Democrats, wake up—this is how to campaign.) But the former football player and flimflam artist is mum on the offer. Wonder why?
But there's more. Huey is going to apologize to Democrats for all the rotten stuff Republicans have done. And according to the Deseret News, he has written an "Apology Resolution from Republicans to Democrats," outlining a list of 15 ways he believes the GOP has screwed Democrats and voters over the years. Even Wilson and the band feel faint.
The bad stuff includes voter fraud, gerrymandering, screwing Obama out of a Supreme Court pick, while rushing Trump's selections through, failing to be fiscally conservative and not really giving two hoots about civil rights. We're checking for confirmation, but indications are that hell just froze over. Also, be on the lookout for man covered in tar and feathers racing toward Wendover.
Well Wilson, it looks like young Mr. Nick Huey's campaign is going to need a theme song that will keep him in good stead until somehow, someday, he can reach a safe place, or at least Nevada. So why don't you and the guys in the band give it a rip:
It's the same old story everywhere I go
I get slandered, libeled
I hear words I never heard in the Bible
And I'm one step ahead of the shoe shine
Two steps away from the county line
Just trying to keep my customers
satisfied, satisfied.
Deputy Sheriff said to me
Tell me what you come here for, boy
You better get your bags and flee
You're in trouble boy
And now you're heading into more
It's the same old story everywhere I go
I get slandered, libeled,
I hear words I never heard in the Bible
Just trying to keep my customers
satisfied, satisfied.
"Keep the Customer Satisfied"—Simon and Garfunkel
