8. Thoughtfully tackle Matheson’s voting record on critical issues like health care, taxes and the looming New World Order under Satan’s rule.
7. Urge Republicans on Facebook to vote in June’s Democratic primary for Betty White.
6. Promote the statistic that Republican challenger Morgan Philpot is “5 percent less batshit crazy” than Senate candidates Tim Bridgewater and Mike Lee.
5. Leak rumor that Matheson cheated on America’s sweetheart, Sandra Bullock.
4. Push covert Twitter campaign, “Vote for Democrat Claudia Wright.”
3. Respond to new Twitter campaign, “Who the @#!% is Claudia Wright?”
2. Throw in new wildcard write-in candidate Bob Bennett: “Experienced, Spotty and Available.”
1. Dispel the myth that Matheson actually exists.