ARIES (March 21-April 19)
So you’re trying to tell me that the way out is the way in. Is that right? And that the “wrong” answer just might be the right answer? And that success, if it makes an appearance, will most likely happen by accident? I don’t know, Aries. It’s tricky to get away with this upside-down approach to life unless you have a lot of discipline and yet also don’t take yourself too seriously. You’ve got to be both rigorous and flexible — a stickler for detail and a master of improvisation. I do suspect you’re up for the challenge, but what do you think?
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
In an interview, musician Attiss Ngoval told the San Francisco Chronicle that he’d want the superpower of X-ray vision “If and only if I could use it to see people naked under their clothes. I don’t want it if all I see is skeletons.” That’s a good standard for you to keep in mind during the coming weeks, Taurus. I definitely think you’ll have an ability to see deeper into the multilayer levels of reality than you’ve had in quite some time. But your challenge will be to employ that gift to explore sights that are really interesting and useful to you, not just everything and anything that’s usually hidden.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
My astrological charts suggest that your immediate future is wide open—so much so that it’s difficult to predict which scenarios are more likely than all the others. This might mean that your free will is especially free right now. But in the interest of giving you something specific to grab on to, I’ll name a few of the myriad possible scenarios. 1. A self-styled anarchist scholar, heir to the fortune of a famed Japanese anime artist, will invite you to a sushi feast at a speakeasy club called “Planet Mars” to discuss the Theory of Everything. 2. A clownish saint with a tattoo of a cobra swallowing the Earth will get you high by sniffing the pimple medication Clearasil, and then tell you a secret about who you were in one of your past lives. 3. A familiar stranger will hand you a Cracker Jack toy and whisper, “Are we never going to see each other again? Or will we get married tomorrow?”
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
In honor of the karmic clean-up phase of your astrological cycle, I invite you to do the following exercise: Imagine a pit in the middle of a desert that holds everything you’ve ever used up, spoiled, and outgrown. Your old furniture is here, along with stuff like once-favorite clothes, CDs, and empty boxes of your favorite cereal. But this garbage dump also contains subtler trash, like photos that capture cherished dreams you gave up on, mementoes from failed relationships, and symbols of defunct beliefs and self-images you used to cling to. Everything that is dead to you is gathered here. Got that vision in your mind’s eye? Now picture yourself dousing the big heap of stuff with gasoline and setting it on fire. Watch it burn.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
This would be a good time to activate your sleeping potentials by chanting positive declarations about your relationship to what you need. Instead of typical New Age affirmations, however, I think you’ll benefit from something edgier and more poetic. That’s why I’m offering you the statements below. They were originally written by Andrea Carlisle for use by spiders. Say the following several times a day: “I am now receiving many fine fat flies in my web. My web is strong and masterful. My web is irresistible to all the attractive creatures I like to nibble on. I am amazingly clever and extremely popular. Even now, hundreds of juicy tidbits are headed towards my web.”
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
A talent scout who has the power to change your course is drawing closer and closer. Find out why, and capitalize on it. Meanwhile, a chameleon who has always had your number just lost it. Find out the details, and take advantage. If that’s not enough to keep you busy, I’ll clue you in to the fact that a cool fool only recently realized you have something that he or she wants. Find out who and what, and exploit the possibilities. (P.S.: I should also mention that there’s a wild thing out there who would love to lick your hand. Find out why, etc.)
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
“The formula ‘two and two make five’ is not without its attractions,” said Dostoevsky. I believe you’ll benefit from embracing that perspective in the coming week, Libra. Transcending logic will be your specialty, especially if you do so with a spiritual gleam in your eye. Being a little crooked could awaken sleeping wisdom within you, as well as boost your life force and enhance your physical attractiveness. So please follow any hunches you have that inspire you to stop making so much sense. Explore the pleasures of using imaginative flair in your search for the truth.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
A lesbian reader who calls herself “Speedy Slow-Hand” wrote to me asking for advice. She explained that she keeps getting obsessed with the half-feral amazons whom her intense Scorpio self lusts after, and this causes her to miss making contact with the warm, nurturing women her softer side craves. Is it better to have someone to run the race with, she asked, or someone to massage her feet after the race? Whether or not you yourself are in the hunt for love, Scorpio, I think her testimony is an apt metaphor for your current dilemma. Should you go with the choice that makes your spirit burn with pungent excitement, or should you opt for what feeds your soul with rich relaxation? I would like to suggest that there’s at least a 30 percent possibility you could have both.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Of the 190 short films the Three Stooges made for Columbia Pictures, only five actually had pie fights. However, those classic scenes sum up all there is to know about the mythic meaning of pie fights, as well as the needs they address and the techniques involved. I urge you to study up on the Stooges’ teachings concerning these matters—and put them to immediate use. Nothing could be more effective in dealing with stalled negotiations, convoluted mind games, superficial exchanges, excessive gravity, and bureaucratic slowdowns than a righteous pie fight. You can find a Youtube clip of a Three Stooges pie fight here: TinyURL.com/yvv8hm.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Some people use sly intelligence rather than mindless rage to escape limitations that have outlived their usefulness. Do you know any? If so, soak up their influence. You could use some inspiration and counsel as you make your own break for freedom. The best way to ensure that your liberation will be permanent, not just a temporary reprieve, is to go about it with humor and subtlety and humility.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Writing in Earthwatch magazine, Anne Marcotty Morris rhapsodized about her trek into Brazil’s rain forest. The jungle is a fecund place, she said: “Several barbed seeds that had attached themselves to me on our walk into the forest had sprouted by the time we walked out.” These fast-growing seeds happen to be an apt metaphor for the state of your psyche, Aquarius. You’re a hotbed of lush fertility. Given that fact, I advise you to be very discriminating about which influences you give your attention to. Whether they’re good or bad, empowering or corrosive, they will grow fast.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
There has rarely been a better time than now to blend your fresh sparkly innocence and your deep ancient wisdom. The childlike aspects of your intelligence are especially available, and so are the visionary elements. Furthermore, the two have a great potential to complement and enhance each other. You might be amazed at how dramatically you could transform long-standing problems by invoking this dynamic tandem of energies.
Go to RealAstrology.com for Rob Brezsny’s expanded weekly audio horoscopes and daily text-message horoscopes. Audio horoscopes also available by phone at 877-873-4888 or 900-950-7700.