According to the Utah Bureau of Criminal Identification, crime in Utah is on the rise. However, Salt Lake City residents take heart: Crime rates here fell slightly between 2006 and 2007.
Still, the substantial increase in Utah County crime has us worried: Pioneer Day brings with it an influx of out-of-towners, many from Orem (where crime is up 279 incidents) and Provo (up 377). With so many denizens of iniquity descending upon our relatively virtuous town, here are some suggestions to help keep you and your family safe:
• Lock your doors and windows.
• Keep children indoors and in sight. Also, farm animals and pets. We’ve heard enough stories.
• If you see vigilantes gathering, turn on your lawn sprinklers. For some reason, the sight of a dry lawn infuriates these people enough to put the smackdown on elderly women.
• Be aware that the normal display of gay pride flags and/or other rainbow insignia may attract desperate individuals seeking political asylum. Provide first aid and sympathy as necessary and refer them to the Utah Pride Center.