Secular humanists hate Christmas a lot;
If you celebrate Christmas,
you’re sure to get shot.
Don’t hang decorations and don’t deck the halls.
The secular humanists will cut off your balls!

The atheists hate Baby Jesus; the gays
Refuse to say “Christmas”—they say “holidays.”
Feminists won’t allow you to shop or wrap presents,
And scientists treat you
like dimwitted peasants.

Our spiritual leaders they don’t think of highly—
They dislike Rush Limbaugh;
they smear Bill O’Reilly.
And, instead of a manger bedecked in fine frillery,
They’d probably rather be worshipping Hillary.

So take down the holly and don’t trim a tree;
Be offended instead to the greatest degree!
This fight is a fight that we’ve no hope of winning,
But the annual Christmas War’s only beginning.