Learning Curves | Deep End | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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News » Deep End

Learning Curves

A guide for students looking to date their teachers.



The latest craze sweeping Utah is the phenomenon of teens, of the male variety, dating their female teachers. For some reason or another, things do not always work out well, especially for the teachers.

It could be that the boy teens haven’t had the best role models for such enterprises; furthermore, there’s a glaring lack of instructional material out there that might provide helpful hints on how to successfully date your teacher. Hundreds of books have been published with dating advice for teenagers, tips for boys and girls alike. Modern magazines are full of articles with the lowdown on how a guy can get a girl into bed, and vice versa, not to mention guy-guy and girl-girl maneuvers.

The time is ripe for instruction aimed at the teenage boy who is thinking of dating his female teacher. City Weekly got together a roundtable of teenaged boys who have ventured into the dating scene with their teachers, and from several hours of discussion, we have distilled some key dating tips,

organized into three categories: Getting Started, Going Steady and Breaking Up.

Getting Started
1. Signs Your Teacher Wants to Date.
Does she linger near your desk or leave her hand on your shoulder just a little longer than she should when she’s helping you with your multiplication tables? Does she ask you to stay after school to help erase the blackboard, and then give you hands-on instruction on how to grip your eraser? During recess, does she invite you to wrestle with her?

2. Asking for That First Date.
Don’t be too direct. You might begin by telling her she looks like a movie star, or asking her if she ever worked as model. Or tell her that she’s a lot sexier than Miss Pusey who teaches pre-algebra. Pay attention to what she likes: If she talks about food all the time, ask her out for a pizza; if she likes to gamble, suggest a weekend in Wendover.

Going Steady
1. Appropriate Classroom Behavior.
Don’t expect special treatment. In those early delicious days of going steady, it’s easy to slip up and call her by her first name or murmur her special pet moniker during show-and-tell. Whatever you do, do not give her a playful pat on the ass when she walks by your desk.

2. What to Talk About.
You will have nothing in common, so don’t even try to bone up on her favorite authors or movies. Who cares? She’s not interested in your mind. But you might casually ask what’s on the next quiz, and then sell the info to your buddies.

3. Introducing Her to Your Friends.
At first, you will be teased about being “teacher’s pet.” Don’t worry, they’re just jealous. Eventually, you’ll want to show her off to your friends. Do something casual, like taking her to the mall, and when you run into your friends, mention in an offhand way, “You know Miss Teeter, don’t you? She’s got a body made for sex.”

Breaking Up
1. Knowing When It’s Time to Say Good-bye.
You’ll know that things are heading in the wrong direction when she wants to take you home to meet her Mom and Dad. At this point, it’s clear that she has forgotten that you are 14-years-old. You might try saying something rude, like, “Your mom and dad? You mean your parents are still alive?”

2. Letting Her Down Gently.
You could try the well-known Jack Nicholson Maneuver, and say, “Miss Teeter, you and I have had a great train ride.

But you’re the kind of woman who should go all the way to New York, and I’m just a kid who has to get off in Chicago.” Whatever you do, don’t say you’d like to stay friends, or suggest getting back together in 20 years or so.

3. Getting On With Your Life.
Lie low for a while, and pretend not to notice when you start receiving the lowest grade in the class. Don’t date girls your own age until you move on to the next grade, and never, never date another teacher, at least in the same school. If Miss Teeter finds out about you and Miss Pusey down the hall, all hell will break loose. Far better not to kiss and tell, and then several years down the road just smile mysteriously whenever some guy in a bar goes on about how he wished he had nailed his English teacher back in high school.