It could've been—but probably wasn't—Valentine's Day when I asked my fast-food coworker Terry for advice. I was off the clock, helping with closing duties so an attractive coworker and I could hang out. I was a virgin; Terry was a stud. So as I cleaned the grill for his glacial ass, and we jammed to the hot hair-metal tunes of the day, I confided in him, appealing to his experience and wisdom.
Terry blanched and told me that he, too, was as pure as the driven snow. I might have known this, since he was three years younger than me—not to mention a fellow geek. He was also a total sweetheart, which is why he stopped to search deep within himself for a heartfelt and helpful tidbit.
It could've, but definitely didn't, lead to me becoming a master lover. I mean, I'm pretty good—but I'm only halfway through that whole Malcolm Gladwell 10,000 hours thing, so I can't claim total mastery. I have, however, learned a great deal in my travels, having been granted ingress to many beds. So I will first share with you my own pearls of wisdom in playlist format. I could guarantee, but won't, that it will lead to you achieving a modicum of proficiency in the boudoir.
Megattack, "Are You Alone Tonight" single (RAW Delivery, 2008): Nothing is more seductive than a mid-tempo power ballad. This might be the last song recorded by these Salt Lake City/Orem hair farmers before Parrish Hultquist, one of the greatest guitarists SLC has seen, passed away. It cuts through the bullshit with the refrain, "Oh, love doesn't matter at all."
The Gaslight Novelty Orchestra, "Entry of the Gladiators/The Billboard March" from Gaslight Varieties: Early 20th Century Favorites (Reader's Digest Music, 2008): So you're in—but you must still make an entrance. When you do, rely on the "Stairway to Heaven" of entrance music. It's bombastic, it's jaunty and it signals to your partner that Bozo is about to enter the ring, his pennywhistle seeking a calliope.
Beat Farmers, "Happy Boy" from Loud and Plowed And... Live! (Curb, 1990): We're all born with the gear and—asexuals and eunuchs excepted—the desire to get it on. So don't think you're special because you got someone to go home with you. No pressure, but the spotlight's on you. The person lying with you expects a show—and enthusiasm; they're not gonna have fun if you're not. Smile broadly and creepily; make them believe you're excited to be there with them, even if you hooked up on a dare. Hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba.
Kiss, "Shandi" from Unmasked (Casablanca, 1980): Is Paul Stanley singing, "Tonight molasses" or "...molest us forever?" Ooooooh—it's "must last us." That makes sense. Endurance is key. For those of us you without stamina, this can be tricky. But with a little finesse and shock-rock superheroes Kiss—in their new wave era—on your side, you can get credit for lasting all night by simply expressing, in a sexy falsetto, the desire to do so. When you can't muster another thrust, your partner will realize your heart was in the right place—if not your, uh, hips. Bonus tip No. 1: Look up the video for "Shandi" and cop some of Gene Simmons' diabolical fuck-faces.
Deke Dickerson and the Ecco-fonics, feat. Claude Trenier, "Poon-tang" from Number One Hit Record! (Hightone, 1998): Trust me: Women love wordsmiths. Your dirty-talk game should be on point—never use technical terms in the sack. In his 1989 book Dirty Words, Argentine psychologist Ariel C. Arango uses a passage from a love letter written by the French philosopher Voltaire to demonstrate that vulgarities are better than clinical terms in certain situations. "I kiss you a thousand times," Voltaire wrote (originally in Italian). "My soul kisses yours, my cock, my heart are in love with you. I kiss your nice ass and all your person." Surely, that's more likely to get your paramour purring than, "I kiss you a thousand times. My soul kisses yours, my penis, my heart are in love with you. I kiss your nice rear end and all your person."
Merrill Osmond, "Save That Dress" from Never Say Never (Curb, 2004): Make your partner feel sexy. This is so basic that even an Osmond figured it out about 28 years ago, when he wrote this bump-and-grind rocker in which he begs his partner not to donate that dress to the D.I. You know, the one that covers up all of their parts, not just the unmentionable goodies, which makes him so frisky. And then, once you've ripped it off folded it neatly and draped it over Alexa so she can't watch, and you're rubbing up against each other until garment-on-garment friction releases hot fabric softener chemicals to mingle your partner's barely detectable natural scent and—huzzah! I could do that for eternity. With the same person. Oh, yeah.
Megattack, "Are You Alone Tonight" single (RAW Delivery, 2008): Yes—we've come full-circle. That's the genius of this list, because it circles back to your successful seduction, this time emphasizing the line, "Why don't we try once again?" And the song makes a nice soundtrack for Terry's advice, which, incidentally, has served me better than any of my own. I hope, wherever Terry might be, that it's done likewise for him.
Without further ado, Terry's Maxim for Maximum Love Action: "When you're done, give her a hug."