8. La La Land isn’t an oversold disappointment; it’s amusingly alliterative.
7. Utah’s air quality isn’t toxic; it’s chunky-style.
6. The Women’s March didn’t scare conservatives shitless; it promoted their colonic health.
5. Print media isn’t dead; it’s whimsically tactile.
4. TV news isn’t useless; it’s vacantly pretty.
3. The planet isn’t getting hotter; outer space is becoming cooler.
2. Gary Herbert isn’t an ineffectual governor; he’s doing great with a double-digit IQ.
1. The Ocho isn’t giddy over the advent of Alternative Facts; it’s professionally vindicated (suck it, SPJ Awards).