ARIES (March 21-April 19) Ancient Greek philosopher Pythagoras is known as “the father of numbers.” He taught that mathematics provides the ultimate truth about reality. His otherwise productive career went through a rough patch when one of his students found that the square root of two is an “irrational” number that can’t be expressed as a simple fraction. “Impossible!” said Pythagoras. His system was built on the axiom that there are no such numbers. Yet, he couldn’t refute the student’s proof. By some accounts, Pythagoras had the student drowned for his impunity. The brilliant theorist couldn’t deal with the threat to his dogma. I bring this to your attention, Aries, because you have an opportunity to do what Pythagoras couldn’t: accept the evidence that your beliefs about reality are limited, and incorporate the new data into a revised worldview.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20) “One often meets one’s destiny on the road taken to avoid it,” says a French proverb. Sometimes, in fact, you can’t even get properly aligned with your highest potential unless you try to escape it. Only by seeking an alternate route are you led into the circumstances that ultimately activate the fullness of your gifts. These mysteries will soon have personal meaning for you, Taurus. Upcoming plot twists will lead you to where you didn’t even know you needed to go. …
GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Chris Farley was “a wrecking ball of joy,” according to one of his friends. The comedian loved to provoke merriment wherever he went, relentlessly shepherding the mood toward celebratory exuberance. I’m not saying you should try to ignite conviviality with that much ferocity in the coming days, Gemini. But I do think this is a special phase of your astrological cycle, when you have an extraordinary capacity for spreading witty inspiration and catalytic fun—and for collecting the useful rewards generated by that good stuff.
CANCER (June 21-July 22) As I compose your horoscope, I’m sitting in a restaurant in San Francisco’s Chinatown dining on something the menu refers to as a Milky Golden Prize Delight Bun. And I’m thinking, I bet it’s going to be a kind of Milky Golden Prize Delight week for you Cancerians … a Sweet Creamy Lusty Elixir week … a Rich Thick Tasty Brilliance week. If you can manage it, I suggest you try to have a dream one of these nights in which you find a delicious morsel of the sun in a bowl of pudding, and savor it all while listening to the full moon sing you a thrilling lullaby.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) I predict that you will go to a grungy thrift store to shop for bargain kitchen items but will instead buy a magic snow globe depicting a dolphin drinking beer from a fountain that’s shaped like a silver stiletto pump, and when you get this talisman home you will discover that it gives you the power to hover and cruise a few feet off the ground, plus tune in to the secret thoughts of people who confuse you, and even time-travel into the past for brief 10-minute blasts that allow you to change what happened. And if my prediction’s not accurate in every detail, I bet it will nonetheless be metaphorically true.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) The foxglove plant can either be a hex or a healer. If you eat its flowers, your heart rate will zoom to a dangerous rate and your digestive system will go haywire. If, on the other hand, you have certain cardiac problems and partake of the foxglove’s leaves, they will steady and strengthen your heart. I bet you can think of several influences in your life whose powers can be equally contradictory. According to my reading of the omens, it’s an excellent time to get very clear about the differences, and take steps to ensure that you’ll be exposed as little as possible to the negative effects.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) The agitation and commotion seem to be dying down. The bitching and moaning are diminishing. And yet, from what I can tell, the Big Squeeze is still squeezing you, which probably means that it’s going to get trickier for you to extricate yourself. Want my advice? Don’t take “maybe” for an answer. Negotiate with a mischievous look in your eye. Learn more about the productive value of unpredictability by studying 3-year-olds and free spirits who have nothing to lose. Most importantly, do whatever it takes to deflect the propaganda and slip past the symbolic gestures so that you can penetrate to the core of the real feelings.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) “Here’s what I’m looking for,” said a personal classified I read online. “Someone who can tear me away from living inside my head … who sees things in me that I don’t see myself.” That’s exactly what I want for you right now, Scorpio. Whether this someone shows up in the form of an ally or enemy or beloved animal or invisible friend, I don’t care. The important thing is that he or she awakens you to certain mysteries about you that you’ve been blind to, and helps free you from the unconscious delusion that all of reality is contained inside the boundaries of your skull.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This would be a perfect week to practice writing love letters. It’s not yet a favorable time to actually send the love letters you compose, however. You need some work before you’ll be ready to produce the finished products. You’ve got to drain off the chatter that’s at the top of your head before you’ll be able to penetrate to the more interesting truths that lie at the bottom of your heart. But if you do your homework—churn out, say, at least three eruptions of rabid amour—you’ll prepare yourself well to craft a thoughtful meditation that will really have a chance to make an impact.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) I decided to call my cable TV company to inquire about a mistake on my bill. From past experience, I suspected this would be a visit to the suburbs of hell. My expectations were soon fulfilled. After being cycled through three phases of the automated system, I was told by a machine that I’d get to speak with an actual person in 16 minutes. Then I was delivered into the aural torment of recorded smooth jazz. But a minute into the ordeal, something wonderful happened. The muzak gave way to a series of great indie rock tunes, including three I’d never heard before. A song that I later determined to be Laura Veirs’ “Don’t Lose Yourself” became my instant new favorite. By the time the billing consultant was ready for me, my mood was cheery. I predict a comparable sequence for you, Capricorn. An apparent trip to the suburbs of hell will have a happy ending that exposes you to fresh sources of inspiration.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) In response to the recession, some companies have come up with an ingenious way to avoid raising prices: They reduce the amount of product they offer by shrinking the packaging. The makers of Skippy Peanut Butter, for instance, restructured the bottom of the jar so that only 16.3 ounces could fit inside instead of the previous 18. In the coming weeks, Aquarius, I suspect you will have to deal with metaphorical versions of this strategy. Now that I’ve told you, maybe you won’t be fooled.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) In the past few weeks you have veered close to the edge of blissful triumph. From what I can tell, you averted total ecstatic breakthrough and fantastic raging success by only the narrowest of margins. If you don’t want to go all the way in the coming days—if you’d rather remain faithful to your fear of success and fall back into your humdrum comfort zone—you should slam on the brakes immediately. But I warn you: The cosmic pressure to push you over the top into loopy, grinning, shameless victory is almost irresistible.