While reading a crime report in the online version of Northern California’s Arcata Eye newspaper, I came across this entry: “A dreadlocked man attacked a lamp post on the Plaza with his mighty fists, punching it while yelling and, in the memorable description of a witness, ‘fighting amongst himself.’” I immediately thought of you, Aries. According to my analysis of the omens, you’ve been fighting amongst yourself with—how shall I say this?—crafty ferocity. I’d be ecstatic if I could convince you to call a truce, begin peace talks, and maybe even begin practicing some crafty tenderness toward yourself.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
When you Tauruses are at your best, you get into a groove but not into a rut—humming along with creative efficiency, not just going through the motions or repeating the same old tired shticks. When you’re at the top of your game, it’s because you’ve surrounded yourself with stimuli that make you feel peaceful and comfortable. Other people may work well under pressure and accomplish most when they’re driven by stress, but you usually need to be at ease in order to access your deep brilliance. From what I can tell, everything I just said is a description of what will be happening in the coming weeks.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Research shows that if a stranger gazes at you for at least 8.2 seconds, he or she is definitely interested in you. If, on the other hand, the look lasts 4.5 seconds or less, there’s no attraction. I’m guessing that the percentage of long scrutinies you receive in the coming weeks will be higher than usual. Your raw charisma levels will be up, as will your ability to make strong first impressions. How do you plan to exploit the advantages this will give you, Gemini? According to my projections, it’ll be a good time to meet some allies of the future.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
One of the tastiest frogs in the world is at risk of dying out as a species. The “mountain chicken” frog, once a fixture on the chain of Caribbean islands known as Montserrat, has become endangered through loss of habitat, disease and over-hunting by humans. In response to the crisis, conservationists have airlifted a number of survivors to new homes, attempting to save their kind from extinction. I think it’s time for you to arrange a comparable intervention of your own, Cancerian. A sweet and delicious part of you or your world is not exactly thriving, and needs some strenuous help and care.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
A Florida woman, upset that her local McDonald’s had run out of Chicken McNuggets, phoned the 911 emergency service line for help. In an unrelated incident, a Florida man took the same action when Burger King told him it had no lemonade to sell him. I recommend that you not indulge in similar overreactions in the coming week, Leo. The Drama Queen or Drama King archetype is threatening to possess you, and I suspect you’ll have to act forcefully to keep it away. If you’re successful, you’ll be visited by a far more congenial archetype—the Social Butterfly. And that would prove to be amusing and productive.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Most of you Virgos have built-in safeguards that ensure you won’t abuse power. That’s why I feel uninhibited about advising you to grab all the new authority and influence you can get in the next few weeks. It’s one of those phases in your astrological cycle when you’re more likely to be in line for promotions, new privileges, and increased clout. I hope you won’t be shy. You may have to be uncharacteristically aggressive as you claim your rightful potency and rewards.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
In the coming days, the surprise and delight quotient will be way up. I bet you’ll be more prone than usual to uttering exclamations. There may also be a confounding “aha!” and a mind-wobbling “What the frack?!” mixed in there, although I think the emphasis will be on developments that educate and entertain you. Since you will probably be ushered in the direction of the frontier, I think you should find new ways to express your amazement. Instead of cliches like “Jesus H. Christ!” or “Holy crap!”, why not try something fresh, like the following: “Great Odin’s raven!” … “Radical lymphocytes!” … “Cackling whacks of jibber-jabber!” … “Frosty heat waves!” … “Panoramic serpentine.” Any other ideas?
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
As I was driving out in the country, I spied a curious statement written in large crooked letters on a homemade sign: “I have seen the truth and it doesn’t make sense.” I’m guessing you might feel that way yourself right now, Scorpio. You have summoned the courage to see the deeper reality beneath the official story, but that has made you more confused than you were when you only possessed a smattering of iffy facts. So you’re smarter and better informed, but are nonetheless feeling less secure. My advice: Don’t flee back into the fake comfort of comfy delusions. If you can maintain your poise in the face of the raging ambiguity, you will ultimately be rewarded with a big dose of cathartic clarity.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
“Wisdom is knowing I am nothing,” said Indian philosopher Nisargadatta Maharaj. “Love is knowing I am everything. And between the two my life moves.” According to my calculations, Sagittarius, you’ll be more on the “knowing you are everything” side of the polarity for the next few weeks. That’s because a flood is imminent. I expect you’ll be on the receiving end of a massive outreach from the universe — an influx of invitations, inquiries and offers to make connection. You should also be prepared for the dizzying pleasure that comes from seeing how profoundly interlinked and interdependent you are.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This is my pledge to you, Capricorn: I promise to use all my otherworldly connections to get your karmic debt reduced in the next few weeks. In return, I ask that you make these pledges to me: You promise not to be a self-pitying martyr or a cranky beast of burden or a willing victim of rank manipulation. You agree not to just follow sloppy orders or passively capitulate as some bad guy with a nice smile tries to lower your standards. And finally, you swear to feed a really healthy desire that will ultimately help give your other desires more integrity and nobility.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
“We all have a blind spot in love,” says astrologer Jessica Shepherd at MoonKissed.com. “Never simple to figure out and even harder to see head on, our blind spot is as unique and complexly layered as we are.” But it’s not a hopeless cause, I would add. In fact, you may ultimately be able to discern the contours of your special ignorance about romance; you may find a way to fix the unconscious glitch that has undermined your quest for meaningful intimacy. How should you proceed? Well, you will need skillful ingenuity, a willingness to gaze upon a flustering truth about yourself, and maybe a little miraculous grace. And now here’s the very good news, Aquarius: It so happens that all these things are available to you right now.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
It’s a ripe time to revise and rework your past, Pisces. I’ll trust you to make the ultimate determination about how best to do that, but here are some possibilities. 1. Revisit a memory that has haunted you, and do a ritual that resolves it and brings you peace. 2. Return to the scene of an awkward anomaly that remains unsettled, and finally do a duty you neglected. 3. Make your way back to a dream you wandered away from prematurely, and either re-commit yourself to it, or put it to rest for good. 4. Dig up and contemplate a secret that has been festering, and come to a decision about what you can do to heal it.
Go to RealAstrology.com for Rob Brezsny’s expanded weekly audio horoscopes and daily text-message horoscopes. Audio horoscopes also available by phone at 877-873-4888 or 900-950-7700.