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News » Opinion

Mayor Mendenhall's Crazy Star Chart

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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As soon as Erin Mendenhall was sworn in as mayor on Jan. 6, all hell broke loose in Salt Lake City: a pandemic swept in, an earthquake rattled through, there was a police shooting, riots, a gale toppled a thousand trees, another police shooting. It could mean any number of things: Her luck just sucks; the stars have aligned in a pretzel; or perhaps it's The End Days. The staff here at Smart Bomb was freaking out, so, we called famed astrologist Madame Cassiopeia to see what gives. Because the mayor is a Gemini, she said, and Venus had been receding, it really shook things up. But an earthquake for god's sake? The mayor's ruler, Mercury, was in Cancer, Madame said, but soon it will swing between Libra and Scorpio and all hell could break loose. Oh gawd, groaned Wilson, not again. But, she added, there is a chance that Mercury and Mars retrogrades could put the brakes on the bad stuff. And Jupiter's transit through the Eighth House may bring a sense of calm. But look, she half whispered, lunar and solar eclipses later this year signal a more peaceful time after a big reversal. What? Does Erin's luck get better? We wanted to know. Does Trump lose? Do we go back to normal? Keep breathing, Madame Cassiopeia said, you will see.

Utah's Proud Boys Back Trump's Takeover
Hey, did you know Utah has its own Proud Boys, and these true patriots are headed up by none other than our very own, smarter-than-thou, Sen. Mike Lee. There is less than a month to the presidential election and some Judiciary Committee senators, including Lee, have COVID-19, as does the president. But should the nomination of Amy Coney Barrett go forward? Well, of course, stupid. It will be jammed through despite all precedents. But what are precedents for, if not for breaking? And, so, what if Mikey has to attend the hearings virtually—it counts, right? What a high time it will be. The court will be solidly right-wing and no matter what Justice Roberts does won't matter a flick. So, we can wave goodbye to the Affordable Care Act and say adios to Roe v. Wade. More than that, it gives the assurance that Trump will win the election. When all the ballots from Democrats get stuck in the mail, Trump can sue to stop the count, just like in 2000, when the Supreme Court handed the election to George W. Bush and all the bad history it was to bring. According to the plan, Coney Barrett, who, by then, will have been on the court for about a week, will give Trump the nod. And Lee and Sen. Mitt Romney and all our Republican pals will dance the night—and democracy—away.

Smart Bomb Encore: Why Mike Pence Wanted to Debate Kamala Harris in Utah
1. He loves green Jell-O with little marshmallows in it.
2. There is no Democratic Party here.
3. Lawmakers in Zion never drink alcohol or hot tub with young girls.
4. Polls show Utahns love Trump more than Romney.
5. Kamala can't hold the priesthood among Latter-day Saints.
6. Masks steal our freedom—especially in Utah County.
7. Men make the decisions behind closed doors at church and the Legislature.
8. The Tabernacle Choir provides the soundtrack for life: "Jesus Wants Me for A Sunbeam."
9. Utah women wear pioneer dresses and have that swirly Liberace hair.
10. It's one of the few places left where, like him, some men still call their wives "mother."

Postscript—Well, folks, that does it for another week here at Smart Bomb, where you don't have to keep track of the president's false and misleading statements, because no one can. Now the burning question on social media: Does Donald Trump really have COVID-19, or is it just a ploy to get Joe Biden to pull all those attack ads off TV? We'd ask QAnon, but WTF! (And for the record, we did not say, "Chickens are coming home to roost." That would be disrespectful.) This week, Washington Post columnist Max Boot (a pre-Trump Republican) called the U.S. a "pitiful pariah on the world stage," noting that we have 4 percent of the world's population and 20 percent of its COVID-19 deaths. Picky, picky, picky. Who cares about the world stage, anyway? Not us.

Fear not, the end is not at hand. The 1918 pandemic killed 675,000 Americans and up to 50 million worldwide. We're not even close. In 1919, thousands in the Ku Klux Klan marched down New York City's Broadway in broad daylight sporting their fashionable white sheets and pointy hats. See, we are making progress. (It does make you wonder, though, if QAnon doesn't need a fashion update.)

And if you are still thirsty for good news, consider this: The Twitter hashtag used by The Proud Boys, the violent white supremacist group, has been highjacked by gay men who flooded the platform with photos of boyfriends and husbands. Out and Proud Boys.

All right, Wilson, we know you and the band don't really want to do this, but pretend for a moment that you're not gritty dope-smoking rockers and give the people what the need:

When the moon is in the Seventh House
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius
Age of Aquarius
Aquarius

Harmony and understanding
Sympathy and trust abounding
No more falsehoods or derisions
Golden living dreams of visions
Mystic crystal revelation
And the mind's true liberation
Aquarius
Aquarius

"Aquarius"—Rado, Ragni & MacDermot, from the musical, Hair

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