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News » The Ocho

Mess o' Congress

Eight critical analyses of Utah's 3rd Congressional District candidates running to replace Jason Chaffetz.


8. Tanner Ainge, Pros: White, Republican, Mormon. Cons: Named “Tanner”; appears to be 15.
7. John Curtis, Pros: White, Republican, Mormon. Cons: Past alliances with Satanism (i.e. the Democratic Party).
6. Chris Herrod, Pros: White, Republican, Mormon. Cons: Too uncharismatic for future Fox News job.
5. Kathie Allen, Pros: Female. Democrat. Empathetic. Cons: See Pros.
4. Joe Buchman, Pros: Libertarian. Academic. Cons: Preaches self-governance, non-violence and other crazy shit.
3. Sean Whalen, Pros: Independent. Entrepreneur. Cons: Could potentially spend most time in office managing luxurious beard.
2. Jason Christensen, Pros: Independent American. Aggressively Christian asshole. Cons: Has apologized for being an aggressively Christian asshole.
1. Jim Bennett, Pros: United Utah Party. Son of Bob. Cons: Might be running illegally; looming danger of wig becoming sentient.