Midseason Report | True TV | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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Culture » True TV

Midseason Report

Foolproof(ish) survival predictions for the Big Five network series.

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You're probably watching few, if any, Big Five (ABC, CBS, The CW, Fox and NBC) network shows via live broadcast anymore. Hell, you're probably not even watching on an actual television set—do you even own a TV, comrade?

Or, as you'll see in some of the lists below, you're just not watching them, period. Broadcast networks have taken a particularly brutal beating from cable/satellite and streaming services this season, what with unfair practices like easy-viewing options, non-garbage programming and limited pandering to the lowest common denominator of mouthbreathing 'Merica (E! excluded). Broadcast TV has become AM radio: It's there, but who's paying attention? Besides your uncle who believes that the moon landing never happened, Obama is a ninja assassin who snuffed out a Supreme Court justice and the NSA is spying on him though his Keurig?

Through intense ratings number-crunching, social-media trend monitoring and proprietary government data gathered through household appliances (just kidding ... or am I?), The Only TV Column That Matters™ has deduced which series will live on for at least another season, which have a 50/50 chance, and to which you should say goodbye (if you haven't already—I know you're out there, Wicked City fans ... both of you).

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As Good as Dead
Blood & Oil, Galavant, The Muppets, Nashville, Wicked City (ABC). Angel From Hell, Code Black, CSI: Cyber, The Good Wife, Mike & Molly, Person of Interest (CBS). Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, iZombie (The CW). American Idol, Bordertown, Cooper Barrett's Guide to Surviving Life, Golan the Insatiable, The Grinder, Minority Report, Second Chance, Sleepy Hollow (Fox). Heroes Reborn, The Mysteries of Laura, The Player, Telenovela, Truth Be Told, Undateable (NBC). While there are some quality series in here that deserve a second chance (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Bordertown, Person of Interest—but, ironically, not Second Chance), at least we'll finally be rid of the scourge of American Idol. Ryan Seacrest-free TV ... the dream is realized [single tear].

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Circling the Drain
American Crime, Castle, Marvel's Agent Carter (ABC). Hawaii Five-0 (CBS). Jane the Virgin, Reign (The CW). Bones, Grandfathered, The Last Man on Earth (Fox). You, Me & the Apocalypse (NBC). Contrary to popular belief, and TNT reruns, Bones and Castle are not the same show, but they are expensive veterans that have likely reached the end of their respective lives—sorry, Mom. And, even though star Haley Atwell isn't a 98-pound 22-year-old, could ABC cable cousin Freeform please step in and save Agent Carter?

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Relax—They'll Live Forever
The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Blackish, Dancing With the Stars, Dr. Ken, Fresh Off the Boat, The Goldbergs, Grey's Anatomy, How to Get Away With Murder, Last Man Standing, Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., The Middle, Modern Family, Once Upon a Time, Quantico, Scandal (ABC). 2 Broke Girls, The Amazing Race, The Big Bang Theory, Blue Bloods, Criminal Minds, Elementary, Life in Pieces, Limitless, Madam Secretary, Mom, NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Scorpion, Supergirl, Survivor (CBS). The 100, Arrow, DC's Legends of Tomorrow, The Flash, The Originals, Supernatural, The Vampire Diaries (The CW). Bob's Burgers, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Empire, Family Guy, Gotham, Hell's Kitchen, Lucifer, New Girl, Rosewood, Scream Queens, The Simpsons, So You Think You Can Dance, The X-Files (Fox). The Blacklist, Blindspot, Chicago Fire, Chicago Med, Chicago PD, Grimm, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Shades of Blue, Superstore, The Voice (NBC). Few surprises here, though it is nice to see much-improved players like Superstore, Shades of Blue and Life In Pieces getting reprieves. But do you know anyone—I mean, anyone—who's ever admitted to watching Scorpion? It's like the moon landing all over again ...

Listen to Bill Mondays at 8 a.m. on X96 Radio From Hell, and on the TV Tan podcast via iTunes, Stitcher and BillFrost.tv

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