Mighty Joey Chestnut is out of the Coney Island hot dog-eating contest. | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly
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Mighty Joey Chestnut is out of the Coney Island hot dog-eating contest.

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis



News Flash! World champion hot-dog-eater Joey Chestnut has been banned from Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest! Hells bells Wilson, what is this world coming to?

Chestnut is the perennial winner—19 years running—of the Independence Day extravaganza and holds the world record of eating (swallowing) 76 beef dogs in 10 minutes. Heck, the entire staff here at Smart Bomb couldn't eat that many franks in 10 minutes—or all day for that matter.

The drama is outlined in The Atlantic magazine under the headline, “The Dog Days of Summer.” Turns out that Joey signed a sponsorship deal with another hot dog company—and get this Wilson, they're meatless dogs! Holy s--t!

The host of the Nathan's dog contest, George Shea, told The New York Times, “It would be like back in the day Michael Jordan coming to Nike—who made his Air Jordans—and saying, ‘I am going to rep Adidas too’ … It just can’t happen.”

The annual Coney Island glut is no small deal. TV coverage garners more than 1 million viewers. Still, competitive eaters like Chestnut struggle to cash in on their fame. Imagine this Wilson, you're a cashier at a department store and people come up to you and say, “Oh my god, aren't you Joey Chestnut?” WTF—no deal with Nike?

You Can’t Imagine How Hard It Is To Be Donald Trump
Wilson, did you ever consider how difficult it is to be Donald J. Trump? The Democrats want to cut his head off—or so says the big orange guy. “Haul out the Guillotine!” he said last week in a fundraising email, “is the sick dream of every Trump-deranged lunatic out there!”

At a Las Vegas campaign rally, the former president asked the adoring crowd what would happen if he were on a battery-powered boat that was sinking near a shark. No Wilson, we are not making this up. “Do I stay on top of the boat and get electrocuted or do I jump in over by the shark... ” FYI: he chose electrocution. What that has to do with anything, we're not sure—but it is entertaining in a stupid sort of way.

And then there was this: Adam Schiff, D-California, told Republicans on the House Judiciary Committee that he would like to quote the jury in Trump's New York hush-money trial: “Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty ... (he said 34 times). Fortunately, Trump has Marjorie Taylor Greene to defend him. “The Democrats and the fake news media want to constantly talk about ‘Oh, President Trump is a convicted felon,’” she said. “Well, the man that I worship is also a convicted felon, and he was murdered on a Roman cross.” Joy to the world, Don the Christ has come.

New Anti-Woke Water—Drink Up Freedom
It's called “Freedom2o” and it will make you giddy with righteousness and the knowledge that you don't have to swallow any more woke water. “This water isn't free but your speech is,” according to a post on “X” during the right-wing Turning Point USA's People's Conference.

“It's not just refreshing, it's rebellious and it's unapologetic to drink this in public,” said company founder Elizabeth White. “[It] isn’t just about what’s inside the bottle,” she added, “it’s about the message it sends with every sip.” The communiqué apparently being something like the MAGA directive, “F--k your feelings.”

Yeah Wilson, the right is always being put upon by something or another. Imagine being forced to drink woke water—it's enough to make you puke.

As White told the New York Post, she got the idea while watching the Republican debates, where she noticed audience members drinking water that had “no connection to the people drinking it.” Just think of it Wilson, drinking water that you had no political affinity with. You could get that twitchy thing that Democrats have. Or, you might feel like Martha-Ann Alito having to look across the lake at a rainbow flag for an entire month. Boy, she could sure use some Freedom2o now—along with her Glenlivet. Better make that a double.

Postscript—That's just about going to do it for another fun-filled week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Mike Lee so you don't have to. Yes Wilson, it is quite a community service when you consider that Utah's senior senator has no soul—he sold it on the cheap to you-know-who.

Recently, Lee voted against a bill guaranteeing IVF (in vitro fertilization), calling it “showboating” by Democrats. Meanwhile, he introduced legislation to stop noncitizen immigrants from voting—there is no evidence they are—which is against the law already.

This week, The Salt Lake Tribune reported that Lee asked Republicans in an unofficial poll if they would rather listen to NPR, KSL or be waterboarded. Of the 931 respondents, 85.8% chose the torture, he said. The tempest in a teapot, according to Trib ace Jeff Parrott, was a response to a social post by KSL that said the Utah GOP had “been running into tough times” and asked if folks were “tired of the Republican Party’s antics?”

Your right Wilson, when it comes to fiction, Lee is no slouch and he loves to say, I told you so—nanner, nanner nanner. “Waterboarding seems to be enjoying an early lead over listening to either KSL or NPR,” he said, “I totally understand.” Nanner, nanner, nanner. Such a statesman. Rock on, Mike Lee.

OK Wilson, Mike Lee ain't no elitist like them liberal Dems; although he clerked for Samuel Alito; his father, Rex E. Lee, was U.S. solicitor general under Ronald Reagan; his brother Thomas Rex Lee is a justice on the Utah Supreme Court. Oh, and Mike Lee spent much of his youth in an upscale suburb of Washington, D.C. Maybe you and the guys in the band can cook up a nice little ditty for Mike “Me-No-Elitists” Lee.

Some folks are born made to wave the flag
Ooh, they're red, white and blue
And when the band plays "Hail To The Chief"
Ooh, they point the cannon at you,

Lord It ain't me, it ain't me,
I ain't no senator's son
It ain't me, it ain't me;
I ain't no fortunate one, no

Some folks are born silver spoon in hand
Lord, don't they help themselves, oh
But when the taxman come to the door
Lord, the house lookin' like a rummage sale, yeah

It ain't me, it ain't me,
I ain't no millionaire's son, no, no
It ain't me, it ain't me;
I ain't no fortunate one, no

Some folks inherit star-spangled eyes
Ooh, they send you down to war, Lord
And when you ask 'em, "How much should we give?"
Ooh, they only answer, "More! More! More!" Yo

It ain't me, it ain't me,
I ain't no millionaire's son
It ain't me, it ain't me;
I ain't no fortunate one

It ain't me, it ain't me,
I ain't no fortunate one, no no no
It ain't me, it ain't me...
“Fortunate Son”—Credence Clearwater Revival