Mike Lee, Utah's senior senator and self-proclaimed constitutional expert, says former president Donald Trump cannot be kept off the 2024 presidential election ballot because he's not an “officer,” as outlined in Sec. 3 of the Constitution’s 14th Amendment. And if you believe that, we can sell you some shares in a nice salty lake with a bright future.
That's on the same level as calling Jan. 6 a nice LDS family reunion, or labeling 467 insurrectionists now behind bars as poor, little hostages, as some Republicans insist.
The real question is whether Trump is an insurrectionist or whether he aided insurrectionists, as delineated in the amendment. All Trump did was lead a conspiracy to overturn an election, derail certification of electoral college votes and direct a mob of thousands to “fight like hell,” resulting in the ravaging of the Capitol and death and destruction.
But hold on, according to Mike Lee, those MAGA mobs were not spurred on by Trump but led by undercover FBI agents. Whoa momma! Lee must be drinking ibogaine tea again.
In October of 2016, Lee posted a three-minute video urging the abhorrent Trump to get out of the race for president. Later, Lee warmly compared Trump to Book of Mormon hero Captain Moroni. If that doesn't put Lee's “Temple Recommend” in jeopardy, what would?
Furry High School Students? Call Animal Services
If you thought the urban legend of litter boxes in high school restrooms was cute, you'll love this. Oklahoma state Rep. Justin Humphrey, a Republican, introduced a bill that would mandate Animal Services remove students from school who identify as “furries.” The legislation would ban students from activities who “purport to be imaginary animals, or who engage in anthropomorphic behavior commonly referred to as furries.”
The right-wing rumor mill—along with hate radio—had earlier come up with the hoax that schools were accommodating students with litter boxes who wore furry clothing. According to NBC News, some 20 GOP politicians peddled the litter box hoax in 2022 as a means to stir up opposition to LGBTQ students.
It's amazing how conservatives come up with this stuff and peddle it to each other at the speed of light. Some mastermind came up with banning Critical Race Theory (CRT) in public schools, even though it wasn't taught in K-12 anywhere. Before you could say “NAACP,” the Utah Legislature passed a resolution banning CRT.
Next up was Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) and bam, red states were flipping out—including Utah. So why haven't Utah lawmakers banned litter boxes in schools yet? Maybe they like cats.
Rep. Rip Van Winkle and the Ten Commandments
Well sports fans, here we go again. Separation of church and state does not mean separation of church and state. Nope. It means conservative politicians can pick and choose which tenets of Christianity they'll utilize to deny Americans their freedoms.
In the latest wrinkle of this never-ending dramedy, Utah Rep. Mike Peterson, R-Logan—who has been asleep under a chestnut tree for decades—has proposed legislation to display the Ten Commandments in every Utah public school. Of course, federal courts, including the U.S. Supreme Court, have ruled many times that such action would violate the Constitution.
The hits just keep coming. Every year we watch as Mormon lawmakers try to out-righteous each other when, in January, they pack up like wild hounds getting their righteous indignations supercharged—they must chase down the jack rabbits of liberalism—such as freedom of religion. By simply displaying the Big Ten, students will not kill, covet, lie or commit adultery or become queer liberals. And it may even get Muslims, Jews and others to recognize this is a Christian country and they should convert or skedaddle. Last but hardly least, it will show the brethren in the Legislature who among them are the most righteous and who are just Jack-Mormons.
Postscript—That'll do it for another vapid week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of the separation of powers so you don't have to. OK Wilson, lookit, the Supreme Court is totally screwed up. Congress is screwed up, too. And Donald Trump, the anti-messiah, has got a real shot at the White House. Even those dudes in the Optimist Club are down in the dumps.
It's hard to put in perspective, but try this: Rome fell in 476 A.D. However, if you go to Rome today, what do you find? Romans! We know that's cold comfort. Who wants to live out their remaining days under Donald Caesar?
Historic Fact: Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by a group of 59 senators on the Ides of March (March 15), 44 BC. (The staff here at Smart Bomb would never suggest such a thing.) Here's some recent history: In the 1920s, the Ku Klux Klan swelled in popularity from coast-to-coast with membership well past 1 million. In August 1925, 60,000 Klan members in white robes and conical hats marched down Pennsylvania Avenue to the White House. They were weighing in on local, state and national politics. By 2016, their numbers had dwindled to 3,000.
No Wilson, we don't know if they're all Republicans. But it does give hope that MAGA, too, will eventually be relegated to the dumpster of history.
Well Wilson, Donald Trump ain't goin' away anytime soon. Some think he's from a parallel universe where everything is inverted. Others say he's the product of 50 years of John Birch-style craziness. Either way he's as malignant as any Grand Dragon. So, get the guys in the band to put down the bong and bang out a theme song for The Big Orange one:
On the day I was born
The nurses all gathered 'round
And they gazed in wide wonder
At the joy they had found
The head nurse spoke up
Said "leave this one alone"
She could tell right away
That I was bad to the bone
Bad to the bone
B-B-B-B-Bad Bad to the bone
I'll make a good woman steal
I'll make an old woman blush
And make a young girl squeal
I wanna be yours pretty baby
Yours and yours alone
I'm here to tell ya honey
That I'm bad to the bone
B-B-B-B-Bad
Bad to the bone And when I walk the streets
Kings and Queens step aside
Every woman I meet
They all stay satisfied
I wanna tell ya pretty baby
Well Ya see I make my own
I'm here to tell ya honey
That I'm bad to the bone
Bad to the bone
B-B-B-B-Bad
Bad to the bone
“Bad to the Bone”—George Thorogood
