Miss CW 2014 Contestant: Areola Pizza | Miss City Weekly | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
Support the Free Press.
Facts matter. Truth matters. Journalism matters.
Salt Lake City Weekly has been Utah's source of independent news and in-depth journalism since 1984.
Donate today to ensure the legacy continues.

Culture » Miss City Weekly

Miss CW 2014 Contestant: Areola Pizza


"My name is Areola Pizza and I was born when the radioactive slime that created the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fell onto a stoner’s slice of microwaved Totino’s pizza he had dropped in some gutter. Looking like Bambi on ice when I attempted to stand on my newborn legs, I fell into a nearby basket of severed nipples a cereal killer was collecting like Pokemon cards. The homeless lady from Home Alone 2 then christened me with the beautiful name “Areola” and gave me a turtle dove to always remind me of her, which I promptly threw away because STFU scary dove lady. My struggle in life is avoiding cannibalism (cuz pizza is delicious, duh) but luckily I rip mad farts when I give in, and that would just interfere with my dancing."