Mrs. Falwell and Forbidden Fruit | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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News » Opinion

Mrs. Falwell and Forbidden Fruit

The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Schadenfreude—"getting satisfaction or pleasure from someone else's misery or misfortune."

Our spiritual advisers here at Smart Bomb have counseled Wilson and the band not to laugh and joke—if they can help it—about a self-righteous Christian leader who fell from grace simply because he relished his wife's thing with the pool boy. Come on, everyone deserves a mulligan (not a sexual act) now and again. Yes, we're talking about Jerry Falwell Jr., former president of Liberty University—where students are taught to be chaste and God-fearing and to not covet thy neighbor's pool boy. Let's face it, it can get lonely all alone by the pool when your husband is out leading evangelicals to the Messiah Donald Trump and you're on your third G&T. Things can get complicated, though, especially when your husband wants to watch. Hey, different strokes for different folks (no pun intended). The pastor, reportedly, just loves it when his Becki screams, "harder, pool boy, harder." The whole thing is a little embarrassing. But Jerry has asked for forgiveness and, the preacher notes, the scriptures say it's all his wife's fault: "She offered the forbidden fruit of the tree." No, really. Look it up.

Mike Lee: Google Is a Left-Wing Tool
The U.S. Mail is in crisis. There is rioting in the streets. And more than 180,000-and-counting are dead from COVID-19. So, what is Utah Sen. Mike Lee worried about? Google. Recently Lee barked and howled that Google was not only too liberal, it was anti-conservative. For example, when Lee said he typed in "pro-choice," the first response on Google was not "baby killers." And that is just the beginning. When Lee typed in "Donald Trump," Google did not list, "the greatest president since Lincoln." All it said was: "45th president of the United States"—a sure sign it's been co-opted. And when Lee searched for "Hillary Clinton," Google's first response was not "Crooked Hillary" or even "Lock her up!" It said: "former secretary of state and first lady to President Bill Clinton." The search engine is trying to undermine democracy, Lee growled. The Utah senator noted that when he put in "Electoral College," Google answered: "The biggest fuckup the Founders made—by far." And that's not the least of it, Lee said. When he typed in "Tucker Carlson," the first response on Google's was: "Wealthy fearmonger on Fox and major shithead." The next thing you know, Lee whined, Google will say Nancy Pelosi is the first woman speaker of the house and prays Republicans have not lost their souls forever.

Say Goodbye to the America You Know
Unless President Trump is reelected, there will be rioting in cities. Unless President Trump gets reelected, vigilantes will roam the streets with AR-15s shooting people. Unless Trump is reelected, you can say goodbye to the America you know, and the mail will be delivered on time. Unless Trump is reelected, you can say goodbye to the country you know, and Greenland won't be our newest protectorate (think of the recreational opportunities). If Trump isn't reelected, who will tell Angela Merkel to go screw herself? If Trump isn't reelected, lots of people will die from windmill cancer. If President Trump isn't reelected, who will pardon Paul Manafort and Rudy Giuliani? Who will call Greta Thunberg and Michelle Obama losers? If Trump is not reelected, who will keep the children in cages on the southern border? And if Trump is not reelected, Ivanka and Jared will have to move back to New York, and Melania will have to execute her prenup. A dark day indeed.

Postscript—Ever feel like pulling your hair out? During times like these, no one will give you the side-eye for taking an extra Xanax with your Moscow Mule. Things are so bizarre that Mel Brooks' classic flick High Anxiety looks like a rom-com starring Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler. Things got so wound up for a man in Ogden that when his son refused to go on a religious mission for the Mormon church, he strangled him (we are not making this up). Things are so weird that KFC has dropped its "Finger Lickin' Good" slogan for fear people will think they could contract coronavirus from a big box meal. And if you think that's strange, listen to this: The Pentagon has launched a task force to investigate UFO sightings over Portland and Kenosha. It seems everyone is going bonkers. D.C. Police got a frantic 911 call from a woman who said she spotted Eva Braun at the White House. It turned out to be Melania, who wore a Third Reich-inspired outfit to give her RNC convention speech in the Rose Garden. It's all a bit overwhelming, but we must keep it together. Buddha teaches to let go of negative thoughts—but he never met Donald Trump.

OK, Wilson, if you and the guys could stop joking about Jerry Falwell's wife and the pool boy for a minute, maybe you would be so kind as to leave us with something that might provide some much needed escape:

Woke up this morning with light in my eyes
And then realized it was still dark outside
It was a light coming down from the sky
I don't know who or why

Must be those strangers that come every night
Those saucer shaped lights put people uptight
Leave blue green footprints that glow in the dark
I hope they get home all right

Hey, Mr. Spaceman
Won't you please take me along
I won't do anything wrong
Hey, Mr. Spaceman
Won't you please take me along for a ride

"Hey, Mr. Spaceman"—Roger McGuinn, The Byrds

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