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Natalie Portman's Bikini

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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If you're reading this right now, you've succumbed to click-bait journalism and what reporters and columnists are up against in this age of too much information. Fortunately for journalists everywhere, the staff here at Smart Bomb has come up a breakthrough solution. But before we get there, here's a true-life example of the problem: A well-known journalist in Salt Lake City was recently admonished by an editor because he wasn't getting enough clicks on the internet—he's not the first, he won't be the last. So, here's the key from our brain trust: Somehow work into the headline the words "Natalie Portman's Bikini." Here's an example: "Door-Knocking Purveyors of Faith Could be Returning Natalie Portman's Bikini Soon." Or: "The Oil and Gas Industry Pushes Back Against Natalie Portman's Bikini." And even this: "What Mike Lee Said About Natalie Portman's Bikini." You gotta admit, this is must-read material that would get zillions of clicks. And there are variations on this theme: "Hugh Grant's Call Girl Overturned a Watermelon Trailer and Closed I-15." Or this: "A Utah Middle School Throws a Mask-Burning to Celebrate Hugh Grant's Call Girl." It's seems like a stupid way to do things, but that's the world in which we live.

10 Reasons to Vote Against a Jan. 6 Commission
1. It could make Donald Trump's face turn orang-ier
2. Republicans would be seen hiding under desks during replays of Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani
3. It could make Missouri Sen. Josh Hawley look like an even bigger asshole
4. That traitor, Utah Sen. Mitt Romney, would look heroic—can't have that
5. House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy would come off as a slimy Trump lapdog
6. Replays of Senate GOP Leader Mitch McConnell blaming Trump for the riot would sound too much like the truth, and Republicans would lose seats in 2022
7. Rep. Greg Pence, brother of Mike, would have to listen again to chants of "Hang Mike Pence" over and over again
8. Americans would see the Jan. 6 mob chant, "Kill him with his own gun!" while holding down Officer Mike Fanone—bad optics, no good
9. Utah Sen. Mike Lee would be called as a witness because Trump butt-dialed him during the riot. It's a "Kangaroo Commission," Lee said.
10. And selling your soul to the devil isn't that big of a deal

The Week That Was in Headlines
(We could not possibly make this up.)
1. No need for new GOP voter suppression in Mississippi: We're already there
2. It's wrong to blame "overpopulation" for climate change
3. QAnon crowd convinced UFOs are a diversion from voter fraud
4. GOP Rep: My party didn't just leave me, they were beamed up by aliens
5. A thick blanket of "sea snot" wreaks havoc on Turkey's coast
6. Police handcuffed a man so tightly he had to have his hand amputated
7. A Southwest flight attendant loses two teeth in altercation with passenger
8. "Witch Hunt" Meet Grand Jury (feel free to fantasize about Trump behind bars)
9. 23% of GOP agree "Satan-worshipping pedophiles" run government
10. He robbed a taco joint with a toy gun and got life in prison

Postscript—That's a wrap for another week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of alternate realities, so you don't have to. After a wonderful and relaxing holiday weekend, it's time for a wonderful and relaxing summer where you can go to the beach and not feel guilty. You don't have to think about QAnon. You don't have to think about a Jan. 6 Bipartisan Commission or lack thereof. And you don't have to worry about Reps. Marjorie Taylor Greene and Matt Gaetz traveling across the country inciting people to shoot Democrats and techies. It's time to worry about other stuff—like who you'll meet at the club. Yep, now you can go to a bar and actually see the person you're trying to pick up—certain kinds of surprises aren't much fun. A year of pent-up angst has left tens of millions of Americans with a look-out-here-we-come expression on their soon to be sunburned faces. It's gonna make the craziest place on Earth more crazy. Some advice: Stay away from Florida unless you're prepared for full-tilt insanity. That aside, guns sales have skyrocketed across the country along with alcohol—a dangerous combo that can even make Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas look rather ... well, less frightening. So hey, be careful out there. For reals.

Well, Wilson, you and the band have become a little less prone to white-knuckled crazy in the glowing days of your autumn. Now, even after COVID, it's more like put the top down, load the cool up and no f—king politics. So, hit it, man:

Groovin' on a Sunday afternoon

Really couldn't get away too soon
I can't imagine anything that's better
The world is ours whenever we're together
There ain't a place I'd like to be instead of

Movin' down a crowded avenue
Doin' anything we like to do
There's always lots of things that we can see
You can be anyone we like to be
All those happy people we could meet

Just groovin' on a Sunday afternoon

We'll keep on spending sunny days this way
We're gonna talk and laugh our time away
I feel it coming closer day by day
Life would be ecstasy, you and me endlessly

Groovin' on a Sunday afternoon
Really couldn't get away too soon ...

"Groovin'"—The Young Rascals

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