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No News is Good News



04/02/06, 17:00, LDS Conference Concludes, 60 W. North Temple

“The LDS Conference concluded with no major incidents to report,” according to Salt Lake City Police.

That General Conference-goers were not accosted by self-anointed keepers of Christianity, as in years past, is definitely a good thing. However, it might be noted that Saturday night hordes of jaywalking brothers and sisters on South Temple made for at least one writer’s frustratingly long crosstown commute to Brewvies.

Up to Sniff

03/30/06, 19:27, Missing Child, near 2000 South and 2000 East

Salt Lake City Police reported: “The three-year-old boy managed to escape from his mother and was missing for over 30 minutes when the police were notified. Several officers were dispatched to the area to search for the youngster. K-9 JJ and his handler responded and, with the magic of JJ’s nose (he’s the bloodhound), they were able to locate the boy hiding from all the commotion under a bench, just a few doors down from his residence.” Anyone smell a reality TV series in the offing?

Road Rage for the Soul

03/31/06, 21:40, Road Rage/Aggravated Assault, near 2000 South and 2000 East

“The victim noticed she was being followed and tailgated by the suspect after she changed lanes in front of the vehicle on I-15,” Salt Lake City Police reported. “The suspect continued to follow the victim eastbound on I-80 all the way to the victim’s residence.

“As the victim pulled into her driveway, the suspect swerved towards the rear of the victim’s car, narrowly missing it. The suspect went to the end of the street, made a u-turn, and proceeded back towards her. The [victim’s] husband stepped out onto the side of the street to try and get the license plate number and the suspect accelerated and swerved towards him, striking him in the left side. … Officers tracked down the vehicle and arrested [the 47-year-old female suspect] for aggravated assault. The husband was listed in good condition.

More motorists than would like to admit resort to aggressive driving or frank finger gestures upon the provocation of another’s flagrant, accidental or imagined lapse in freeway etiquette. Who can say what separates frustrated bird-flippers from lunatics who would maim or kill? But both could probably use a little dose of catharsis. Enter, an online outlet for aggrieved drivers wanting revenge on the idiots who muck up their commutes.

Instead of flipping out on tailgaters and fast-lane multitaskers, the site urges would-be road ragers to get even without getting arrested. By including a make, model and license-plate number, those wronged can post a citation in stark terms to the offending driver, or sometimes confess their own transgressions. The following example is representative of 16 roadside skirmishes possibly avoided in and around Salt Lake City thanks to the forum:

“Alleged Details: All the makeup in the world couldn’t help this ugly blonde. But I guess she thought it could since she was flying down the freeway putting her face on. At one point, I mimicked her mascara brushing when she came up beside me. This apparently set her off and she slowed down and started impeding traffic in the left lane. … Put your face on at home or when the vehicle isn’t moving!”

Oddly, “fugly” was the word used to describe offending drivers. What one’s physical appearance has to do with driving acumen is anyone’s guess, but it can at least be said that pounding out nasty missives at the computer is a tad more constructive than mowing down strangers at their homes.