Now You Can Compost Your Family—For Real | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly
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Now You Can Compost Your Family—For Real

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis



There are some people who just don't like the idea of getting buried, even after they're dead—so they get cremated. And there are folks who can't fathom getting shoved into a blazing oven after years of purchasing expensive moisturizers. Well, hold onto your cotyledons, there is now a third option: composting (We are not making this up).

Just like backyard composting, your body, along with some wood chips and straw, can turn into enough soil to fill a pickup. It takes about six months. Think of it, your family could use the compost for a memorial tree planting. Future offspring and relatives would drive by the beautiful foliage and say, "Hey, look, there's Uncle Billy."

As the world and cemeteries get more crowded, composting is looking like a better ecological strategy with spiritual benefits (ashes to ashes, dust to dust and all that). And think of the greenhouse emissions it would mitigate. What if every person who died was now a tree? Imagine a scrub oak in California dubbed, "The Gipper," or a bald cypress in Texas called "LBJ."

This could change many afterlife plans. In the near future, folks might do a lot of thinking about what tree they want to nurture after they move on to the world of compost. On the other hand, you could become a flowerbed.

10 Reasons Utah is the Happiest State in the U.S.A.
In case you needed telling, Utah is the happiest state in the country. But to make it official, the website gave Utah the top spot after factoring in a whole bunch of stuff. As usual, the staff here at Smart Bomb wanted to get to the nitty-gritty, so we analyzed WalletHub's algorithms to find the essentials.
Utahns are happy because:
1—We can eat as much ice cream as we want and nobody will roll their eyes.
2—We know there'll always be a "next season" for the Utes.
3—When we get down, we just go to Chuck-A-Rama.
4—Utahns know someone else will make the hard decisions for us.
5—We take half-gallon cool cups of Diet Coke everywhere we go.
6—Utahns have the "Real Housewives of Salt Lake City" to sin for us—guiltless joy.
7—The LDS Church does not use tithing to fund capital projects, like malls.
8—Six days a week we can count on warm beer at the State Liquor Store.
9—We have a special place for secret political meetings—Krispy Kreme.
10—Climate change is in the Lord's hands, so we don't worry about it.

Dems to Erase White America With Immigrants
Democrats are continuing their heinous conspiracy and want to let all those Haitian refugees swarm into the U.S., where they will all become citizens and vote for Democrats. That ain't all, when their kids grow up they will be voting Democrat too—it's like cancer. Beginning to see a pattern here?

And what about the invasion from Central America after hurricanes Etta and Iota in 2020? Here is what GOP strategists have assured us for a long time: Democrats are bringing in black and brown people by the millions who will dilute America's whiteness. Even Tucker Carlson says so.

It's only fair, then, that red states adopt voting restrictions to keep 'em from voting. Or as Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick told Fox News firebrand Laura Ingraham: "The revolution has begun—a silent revolution by the Democrat Party and Joe Biden to take over the country ... They are allowing this year, probably 2 million, maybe another million into this country ... You're talking about millions and millions and millions of new voters, and they will thank the Democrats and Biden for bringing them here."

And don't listen to Democrats who say this is white supremacy, we're just tryin' to keep this country the way God meant it to be—white. As for Mexican food, well, that's different.

Postscript—And that'll do it for another week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of Facebook so you don't have to. In George Orwell's classic novel Nineteen Eighty-Four, the protagonist, Winston, is watched by Big Brother on "tele-screens." Published in 1949, it appears prescient—but it seems like we are Big Brother watching ourselves for the likes of Facebook and others who are only too happy to keep tabs on us. But, oddly, it also reminded the staff here at Smart Bomb of the modern-day Republican Party.

In Orwell's book, "The Party"' is forcing adoption of a new language, called "Newspeak," to rewrite history and keep party members in line by eliminating words it doesn't like. Thinking outside The Party's constrictive dogma is a "thoughtcrime," enforced by the Thought Police.

Flash forward to Jan. 6, 2021 and the insurrection at the U.S. Capitol. According to congressional Republicans—save Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger—said insurrection never happened and insisting it did is a "thoughtcrime." Not agreeing with the Big Lie that Trump won reelection also is a "thoughtcrime." Of course, our analysis takes a little artistic license, but we're fairly sure the political climate in this country today would scare the pants off Orwell.

Alright Wilson, we know that you and the guys in the band have committed your share of thoughtcrimes, albeit under the cloak of darkness. Just because you think Big Brother is watching, doesn't necessarily mean you're paranoid and sometimes, as Amy Winehouse once said, it's back to black. So, pick it Wilson:

Darkness, darkness
Hide my yearning
For the things I cannot be
Keep my mind from constant turning
Toward the things I cannot see now
Things I cannot see now
Things I cannot see

Darkness, darkness
Long and lonesome
Ease the day that brings me pain
I have felt the edge of sadness
I have known the depth of fear
Darkness, darkness, be my blanket
Cover me with the endless night
Take away, take away the pain of knowing
Fill the emptiness of right now
Emptiness of right now, now, now
Emptiness of right now
"Darkness, Darkness"—The Youngbloods