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News » Deep End

On the Rogue

The former Alaska governor and wanna-be president embraces her inner Kerouac.



The Countdown to Sarah in Salt Lake City has begun. The former governor of Alaska, last year’s Republican vice presidential candidate, and erstwhile beauty queen Sarah Palin is coming to Salt Lake City to sign books at Costco on Dec. 9. That means, as of press time, there are 14 days till Sarah comes to town.

The hope of the Republican Party has been hitting the road to flog her new book, Going Rogue, which is flying off the shelves all over America. The selfdescribed small-town gal is ignoring the big cosmopolitan areas, favoring smalltown America instead with her juicy presence. Salt Lake City is about the biggest city Mrs. Palin will visit on her book tour, so I hope you join me in giving her a great big Utah welcome when she plunks her butt down in Costco to sign books.

Along the way, Mrs. Palin has been blogging, and occasionally tweeting, about her experiences. In case you haven’t been able to follow her travels, I’ve taken the liberty of providing a few excerpts from the aforementioned blogs and tweets, most of which deal with her time in rural Michigan. You’ll notice that she is already looking forward to her visit to Utah, even though she is slightly mistaken as to where our state is situated.

Monday. Gosh, I can hardly lift my fingers after signing all those books which were stacked there on which was a wobbly table and that chair was sure hard enough to give me sores there where my rear was sitting. My cheeks hurt there on my face for all the smiling all the time I had to do for the folks which were sure well-fed there in Michigan with most of the folks kind of porky maybe because they have to store up on food for the winters there which are just about as cold as they thought up in Alaska, which was mentioned by the folks there standing for hours in the cold morning there in Michigan.

Tuesday. I went over from Michigan to be on Oprah, which was in Chicago with it pretty darn cold there, too, so naturally I’m looking forward to goin’ down south to Utah right next to Texas, where they’ve arranged for me to meet those dear souls where the psychiatrist guy went plumb loco. Gee willakers! What’s goin’ on there with America, these days, and that’s why Todd and I keep our guns all loaded. Oprah sort of looked at me like that weasel Joe Biden squinted at me during the debate, like this gal here must be a dumb bunny, so like with Joe I tried to give Oprah a big old hug, where at the time she was surprised so it ended up there being a kind of half of a hug, and you know, Oprah sure wears a lot of make-up I do, too, but probably because of TV you need more make-up I remember from when I was the weather gal on the local news and still not as much make-up as Katie Couric, with little bits of lipstick on her teeth when she smiled trying to do the old gotcha on me. Time to tuck into bed and bone up on political philosophy by a book by John Locke with what he says there about natural rights instead of God-given rights and no wonder Americans haven’t turned their lives over to Jesus, like me and Todd.

Wednesday. It’s like now I can’t bend my fingers to hold a pen to sign the books, so it’s twice as worse as trying to skin a seal or even field-dress a moose there, plus it’s twice as cold, freezing your dang cheeks off!

While I was eating a burger on my lunch break which was too short I saw on TV that some Congressman from Utah, sounds like Chafe- Itch, which I know how that feels if you’ve been wearing pantyhose in August, said that the Miss USA who made a sex tape has star power like me and that people are excited about her conservative convictions. For one thing, that Miss USA gal had to resign for reasons of her sex tape, I don’t care if it was for her boyfriend, I never made a sex tape for Todd, which considering he told his dude friends that I didn’t know how to kiss! I hope I get to meet that Chafe Itch dude and set him straight, just hope to heck he doesn’t stare at my boobs like Mitt.