The following letter arrived recently in our office, and while we have not confirmed authorship, we have decided to print it because it appears authentic. -ed.
From the desk of
Dean Singleton, publisher
To: Nancy Conway, editor
Thanks for your recent note and for your upbeat assessment of the state of journalism at The Salt Lake Tribune. The way you stepped in and reestablished the credibility of the paper has been remarkable. Just last week I received a note from Dave Jones saying what a bang-up job he thought you were doing.
I gather you are feeling a bit nervous about the situation with those damn McCartheys and their refusal to let the ownership thing die. Rest assured that they’ll never get control of this paper—but if the price is right, you’ll be taken care of, just like Shelledy. That’s only fair for mopping up my dust for all these years. I still get a big kick whenever you utter those magic words “How high?”
Pass along my regards to your staff for continuing the charade that everything wrong with Main Street is Mayor Anderson’s fault—especially Heather May. (What’s up with her? Did Ross jilt her or something?) A nice touch, by the way, making sure our NAC move to West Valley City looked like Rocky’s fault. Hell, we never intended to keep our operations downtown in the first place—even Francis Pigna-something knows that.
I agree with you that “The Salt Lake Tribune” sounds so 19th century. We need a name that reflects our mission. I’m torn between your suggestion of the “Salt Lake Valley Vacillator” and my personal favorite, “The Wasatch Waffler.” Flip a coin.
As you know, our budget meetings have been ongoing. While we believed that our two-for-one advertising specials for clubs and restaurants would pay huge dividends, that hasn’t been the case. Jeez Nanc, I remember the good old days when we didn’t have to give ads away. In all my conquests, I’ve never seen a town so stupid and so cheap, but we’ve been down this road before, and you know what happens next, Nanners. My favorite part: purging the dead wood.
For starters, we won’t need all those NAC ink monkeys at our new facility, and we’ve already cut commissions in the sales department. I think your suggested cut of 10 percent in editorial is low. Let’s go for 25! Why are we paying Harvard wages to people to do the same thing those pissants at City Weekly do? Like that Smart guy. He’s gotta be getting a hundred bucks a word. And he didn’t even go to Harvard.
I wouldn’t bat a Baptist eyelash if we canned everyone except Rolly and Wells, that gal with the new hairdo and our token Mo’, Kirby. And just to be safe, let’s keep Harrie, so we can maintain our plausible credibility on the news side. OK?
See you in the funny papers.
P.S. Please relay to Linda Fantin that the remainder of her bonus will be paid shortly.
P.P.S. I never liked Shelledy.
P.P.P.S. Tell that punk Dan Nailen to knock off the anti-Bush stuff for awhile. My buddy Cheney’s coming to town.