Dear Mexican: I used to frequent a cantina in Chicago where half of the bar was polack, the other half beaner. The polacks would speak in their native tongue and either start or finish all of their sentences with the word kurwa. I understand this to mean “whore” in their language. On the other half of the bar, the beaners would utilize the word buey in all of their sentences. Perhaps the polacks and beaners were talking about the other group at the bar! I understand that the word buey in Mexicanismo is a castrated bull. But I’ve got to imagine that the beaners are not always talking about castrated bulls. However, I can understand why the polacks are always talking about whores. What are the ramificaciones? —El Polaco Loco
Dear Loco Polack: Chingao, wabs and polacks at a bar! Where’s a mick when you need one? I think you misheard the word and meant guey, derived from buey, which you noted correctly is an ox, the word Mexicans use to call someone an ass—not a hooved ass, but an ass ass. Like madre, guey is a Swiss Army knife in Mexican-Spanish cussing—we use it affectionately (“No mames, guey!” translates as “Don’t suck dick, ass!” but actually means “Don’t bullshit me, brother!”). Ramifications? Use with caution—if you say that to a man, you might get a backslap or a kick in the huevos, depending on the circumstance.
Dear Mexican: I’m half-Hispanic and half-white. I’m really opposed to illegal immigration and any type of free health care to illegals because, as a health-care worker, I see too many Americans who can’t afford health care. I’ve seen Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who likes to act tough on immigration, sit on both sides of the fence by adding more agents to sit on their butts on the border and then pass legislation to allow in-state tuition for illegals.
My question: Would a Mexican support a bill that would tax only illegals who transfer money to Mexico? Iif I were a Mexican who joined LULAC, I would kinda like it. The reason is 100 percent of the tax goes to illegal-immigrant health care and not a dime would go to a homeless American. This is the only tax I know whose benefactor does not include green-card holders and American citizens. If this bill is passed, illegals could claim they pay taxes, and since the majority are living in poverty, the majority would get the benefit from this tax. —Dr. Chichis, M.D.
Dear Wab: Before we begin, dejame deal with your health-care assertions. The Pew Hispanic Center found this year that illegals and their kids comprised solamente 17 percent of the nation’s total uninsured, and a 2006 RAND report estimated that the undocumented make up only “1.5 percent of the country’s total national medical costs, half as large as their 3.2 percent population share”—and even they think that number might be overblown, since the survey focused solely on the Los Angeles area. So, for you and others to portray Mexicans as health-care leeches is false. The answer to your actual question: A Mexican wouldn’t care about your Mickey Mouse bill. Mexicans would circumvent electronic transfers by using courier services or smuggling cash on trips back home. We already know how to come into this country illegally—you think bad legislation can stop us? Craftiness is in our DNA.
Ask the Mexican at firstname.lastname@example.org, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!