Pet Sounds | Cover Story | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly
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News » Cover Story

Pet Sounds

Pets speak their minds about hunkering down with humans

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ALEVTINA TARASOVA
  • Alevtina Tarasova

Compiled by Derek Carlisle

We asked your pet: How are you handling #HangingOutWithHumansAtHome? Their people stay home most of the time these days, often fixated on those little flat rectangle toys that have no smell. But, for pets, that also means extra snuggle time and walks around the block in addition to normal guard duty. And, of course, they don't mind—that's what they're here for. But hells bells, those humans need a lot of extra licks right now.



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Chloe
Female, yellow Lab
Human: Rachel Fullerton

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?
My humans have been cooking a lot and not much of it is for me.

I wish my human would leave so that I could:
Eat all the socks.

The thought bubble for my photo would read:
Where have you been all my life?

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:
Reruns of college football games they already know the outcome of. We could play fetch instead.

My Tinder profile:
Thick hungry blonde looking for snacks and attention.

The butt I wish I could smell:
Clifford, the Big Red Dog's

Dog park I miss the most:
Fairmont, because it means a trip to Campfire Lounge after.



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Pepe
Male, Chow Chow
Human: Amy Stevanoni

The thought bubble for my photo would read:
Ciao! Ciao!

Hump, lick, kill?
H: Anything that moves
L: Anyone with fresh meat
K: My rawhide

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have:
They spoil me. I always get the Piedmontese beef!

Is your social media influence growing due to your shut-in humans?
I don't wait for quarantine—I'm social all the time! @ciaociaopepe. They have a favorite of me drinking Krug.

Tricks I've mastered during the pandemic:
Not running away from my people.



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Chicken
Female, domestic shorthair
Human: Megan Wagstaff

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?
They seem to find me more and more interesting while I find them less and less interesting.

I wish my human would leave so that I could:
Get my little pug brother to "test" the catapult I've been working on.

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:
Forged in Fire (I'm taking notes).

The thought bubble for my photo would read:
I am powerful and strong, and I need to learn Russian

My Tinder profile:
Seeking adventurous type to join me SCUBA diving at the Living Planet Aquarium. Must have own harpoon.

Hump, lick, kill?
H: Is this a question about Wednesdays?
L: My coat to waterproof it for scuba class
K: Any aquatic animal as long as I have a license, right, Dad?

When they put on their mask, my human looks like:
My humans don't wear masks. I wish they would because my chemistry set puts off some dangerous fumes!

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have:
If it's not cheese or tuna, don't bother trying.

Dog park I miss the most:
Any of them! Please get the dog out of the house; he smells.

Tricks I've mastered during the pandemic:
I've been working on building an obstacle course, but Dad said the dynamite booby traps weren't allowed. My parents are no fun.

Favorite place to sleep?
Mom's office chair. I think it's hilarious when she sits in it, and her butt gets all hairy.



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Kiah
Staffordshire bull terrier
Human: Rachelle Fernandez

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?
Crying more lately. I mean, she's always crying but sheesh, woman, get a life!

I wish my human would leave so that I could:
Rub my butt all over that new rug from Overstock.

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:
Caught in Providence. My human either has a crush on old Frank [Caprio], or she has daddy issues.

The thought bubble for my photo would read:
I am so ready for my human to go back to work!

My Tinder profile:
Single cute pittie looking for a single male. Please, no couples! I am good with kids but no pussy cats, please!

Hump, lick, kill?
H: That hot-ass Budweiser-looking dog from down the street.
L: Rachael Ray ... what?
K: That punk-ass neighbor cat. He's always pawing at the window like we're cool. I am a descendant of wolves. I shall end you!

When they put on their mask, my human looks like:
Likes she's never getting a date. Here come the lonely nights filled with crying into the pillow and that weird sound that sounds like her electric toothbrush coming from her room.

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have:
My human is a social media vegan, but she bought a chuck steak and made it just for me!

The butt I wish I could smell:
The West Valley City K-9 police dog that pulled over my human the other day—dog buns of steel!

Dog park I miss the most:
The bark park in West Valley. No one's there because no one knows it's there!

Is your social media influence on fire due to your shut-in human?
Yeah, I told you she's awful. The photo of me swimming in the creek. Yes, pebbles can swim!

Raddest hike I've crushed:
My human and I went to Knolls Recreation Area recently and I did great, didn't wander off, didn't start a fight. I crushed at being a dog.



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Newton
Male, knight anole
Human: Holly Esch

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?
Stripes growing on her head.

I wish my human would leave so that I could:
Crawl under the fridge and commune with the hum.

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:
She plays The Elder Scrolls online and fights angels (dragons). I find that offensive.

The thought bubble for my photo would read:
Moo?

Are you single?
Widowed. Leibniz, my partner, passed unexpectedly last week.

My Tinder profile:
Jen seeks Kira. Am I the only gelfling left? (I don't know who would read this because there are no anoles here. I feel like the only anole left on Earth.)

Hump, lick, kill?
H: Velociraptor
L: Anyone from the original V series
K: Barney.

When they put on their mask, my human looks like:
I've been trying to decipher her color changes for five years, and I think it's gibberish.

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have:
Butternut squash and mango.

The butt I wish I could smell:
A what?

Dog park I miss the most:
Our old place with pipes in the ceiling. That was my jungle gym.

Has your social media influence grown due to your shut-in humans?
Multiple times daily. Humans love it when I shed.

Tricks I've mastered during the pandemic:
My human's dirty clothes hamper.



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Dakota Bardon-van Welzen
Male, border collie
Human: Dawn Bardon

How do you like your new living situation?
I was adopted from Second Chance for Homeless Pets. The humans at SC were awesome, and I've very thankful they took me in. My new family pack is a lot of fun and they love me very much. I'm glad they adopted me, and they keep telling me they are glad they found me.

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?
Dude, I get walked all the time. I mean, a few times a day is nice, but these people are wearing me out.

I wish my human would leave so that I could:
Take a long nap.

The thought bubble for my photo would read:
I don't always share my toys, but when I do, they will be blessed with my slobber.

My Tinder profile:
Fun loving guy who is looking to meet new friends. I enjoy playing tag, tug and eating random smelly things.

When they put on their mask, my humans look like:
Someone else—it is really creepy.

Is your social media influence growing due to your shut-in humans?
They are going a little crazy. I kinda lost count. My dad loves to make short videos of me hiking with music. I was even a spokesdog for homeless pet adoption. Check me out on Facebook at https://bit.ly/35zTV4C

Tricks I've mastered during the pandemic:
I've learned sit, stay, wait at door, down, come, shake and rollover in 3 weeks. I also bark at earthquakes. Mom keeps calling me the world's smartest Border Collie. I think she may be right.



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Tina
Female, pinscher/Chihuahua
Human: Sofia Cifuentes

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?
Where do I start? My mom goes through all the stages of a crisis every week (denial, anger, acceptance, resignation, etc.). Now my parents are looking for new activities such as skating at home and playing with lights. It's good to have them at home all the time, but I think they're losing their minds

I wish my human would leave so that I could:
Are you mad? Why would I wish my human leave? Now I can be her shadow and she gives me treats all the time.

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:
Mmmmm, none. They just talk a lot and do other things that I'm not allowed to talk about.

Here's the thought bubble for my photo I'm sending:
Is that human food you have there?

My Tinder profile would read as follows:
Cougar, pretty chill. I love outdoor activities, but I hate cold weather or getting wet.

Hump, lick, kill?
H: I don't do those things,
L: Definitely my dad. I love him,
K: My younger brother, Troy. He is a pain in the @#$%

When they put on their masks, my humans look like:
I still don't get it. Why do they voluntarily choose to put on a muzzle?

Tastiest leftovers your humans let you have:
My mom is Latina, so she doesn't leave leftovers for us. She is very strict in our diet. Boooring!

Dog park I miss the most:
West Jordan Off-leash Dog Park

Is your social media influence growing due to your shut-in humans?
Thank goodness I have more brothers, and I'm not the only focal point. Her fave is when I was doing absolutely nothing, just lying there, sunbathing, but it seems that humans find it very interesting.

Tricks I've mastered during the pandemic:
I turned 13 years old last week, and now my humans think is a good idea to run races. Obviously, I'm the fastest. I have a video to prove it.



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Biscuits
Male, pug
Human: Derek Carlisle

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?
Running around the house with a chopstick casting spells and wearing a Slytherin robe.

I wish my human would leave so that I could:
Get my fishing pole and join my sissy at her secret fishing hole.

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:
The Witcher has got to be the worst. They even make fun of it but when the credits role, they get the popcorn ready for the next episode.

The thought bubble for my photo I'm sending:
I didn't pee there. It was sissy, she pees everywhere, and then I gotta take the heat.

My Tinder profile would read as follows:
Soft and warm lickens, come get yers.

Hump, lick, kill?
H: Kevin, he's my everything, and he's plush so he can take it
L: Anyone's face until the skin comes slap off
K: Fire trucks! Jesus, they come outta nowhere screaming and a honking.

When they put on their mask, my human looks like:
Scorpion from Mortal Kombat, and I'm just waiting for them to scream "Get over here!" Yeah, Dad, do it!

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have:
Well, breakfast is more common than ever round the house, and I get the crispy egg whites that Mom hates. Yum!

The butt I wish I could smell:
Pretty much anyone but my favorite is Luna's because I like to say, "I've been to the moon and back."

Dog park I miss the most:
Haven't yet been to my first dog park but when I do, whew! Is it gunna be fun!

Is your social media influence growing due to your shut-in humans?
There's the video of me and sissy going at it and also guest appearances on Zoom meetings with my parents and their work peeps.

Raddest trick I've mastered during the pandemic:
I can sit and my mom lets me know what a good boy I am for doing that feat of feats.



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Vedders
Strong female, black Lab-ish
Human: Sharon Mancini

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?
My human still gets up early but doesn't leave the house. What is up with that? She also bugs me when I am napping and talks to me all day long. All I hear is "Blah ... blah blah blah ... blah blah blah blah blah? Blah!" Enough already! Go find a job!

I wish my human would leave so I could:
Jump on the beds and couches and take a nap! They are wearing me out with four outings a day. Don't they know I'm 10? That's 70 in dog years, which makes me older than them!

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:
Breaking Bad. My humans keep laughing and saying, "Holy Cow! I can't believe Walter just did that." What I want to know is, who the hell is Walter?

The thought bubble for my photo would read:
Finally. So glad you decided to get out of bed. I've been waiting to go play since 6:30 a.m. Wait! What? More Breaking Bad? Geez ... I've got my ball and my chucker already to go. So, shut off that TV, and let's get out of here!

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have?
My human is a good cook. She loves cheese. I know when she opens the cheese drawer. I can hear that little squeak of the drawer and smell all those different cheeses she buys. I always walk into the kitchen and give her that look that she can't resist. And I always get cheese! I think I've put on a few pounds in the past six weeks!

Is your social media influence growing due to your shut-in humans?
I'm not sure how many times my human has taken a picture or video of me lately, but it could be hundreds because she always has her phone in her hand. Since she's bored out of her mind because she got furloughed, my human joined a Furry Friends Instagram page that her friend in Oregon started. She took a video of me rolling around in a puddle of water at the school by my house. It was hot, and I needed to cool off, so the moment I saw that puddle of water, I just jumped right in! My human was not happy about it, but she got over it. She must have thought it was kind of cute since she posted a video of it.

Tricks I've mastered during the pandemic:

My human—they call him Dad—taught me a great trick. He taught me how to lie down and play dead. So, now, all he has to say is, "Would you rather be Donald Trump or a dead dog?" and I lie down. My humans always giggle and say, "What a smart dog!" They give me a pat on my back and get me a treat. I'll do that trick for them any time. It makes my humans smile.



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Mia
Female, border collie mix
Human: Tobias Larson

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?
Humans go to the bathroom a lot. They take their phones with them, shut the door and completely disappear for hours it seems like.

I wish my human would leave so I could:
Hang out on top of the kitchen counter eating their next failed sourdough attempt.

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:
I don't know the name, but it has tigers and polygamists. Every episode, they look at me and say, "Damn, I could have gotten a tiger instead of you."

My Tinder profile:
Do you like to lick yourself, too?

Hump, lick, kill?
H: That Afghan from the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show (oh, that flowing hair!)
L: [SLC Mayor]Erin Mendenhall (the best mayor we could hope for through this)
K: It's illegal to name the individual

When they put on their mask, my human looks like:
Another drug dealer from Gangland

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have:
They always make an extra slice of bacon for me. I don't know why humans don't just eat bacon all the time.

The butt I wish I could smell:
Anthony Fauci's—I bet his poop doesn't stink.

Dog park you miss the most?
I miss the fun times at Yappy Hours. I look forward to the day my human doesn't have to worry about being close to others.

Does your human do anything to embarrass you?
My human takes a picture of me all the time on our walks. It's so annoying.



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Maya
Female, husky mix
Human: Carla Frein

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?
Every morning, my human jumps on a bike and spins and spins without going anywhere. Also, the last five days, my human keeps saying "I need to feed my dough." Who is "dough" and why does he need to be fed?

I wish my human would leave so I could:
Play-wrestle with the birds that visit our backyard.

My Tinder profile:
I'm a savage. Classy, bougie, ratchet. Sassy, moody, nasty. I'm a savage.

The thought bubble for my photo would read:
Let's go somewhere and judge people.

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have?
Chicken apple sausage. My human was trying a new move called "a flick of the wrist," and the sausage had a soft landing in my mouth. I threw up half an hour later, but it was worth it.

The butt I wish I could smell is?
Big Bird from Sesame Street.

Raddest trick I've mastered:
Turning my neck like The Exorcist



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Zeus
Male, pug
Human: Brianna Midgley

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?
She has been standing at the sink saying "foam it up" and singing that song with all the letters. She does that 15 times a day.

I wish my human would leave so I could:
Get some sleep!

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:
Friends. Seriously, could they be watching it more?

The thought bubble for my photo would read:
Why haven't I always been getting these puppuccinos from Beans & Brews?

My Tinder profile:
Unless you are bringing me meat, swipe left.

Hump, lick, kill?
H: Doug the Pug
L: Brussels
K: Sprout, the person who invented the impossible Whopper.

When they put on their mask, my human looks like:
They're hiding food from me in there.

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have:
She dropped a lot of chicken the other day. It was awesome.

The butt I wish I could smell:
Manny the Frenchie

Dog park you miss the most?
Herman Franks Dog Park

Is your social media influence growing due to your shut-in humans?
They keep posting pictures of the bald puppy and forget about me, so it's only about three posts. Their fave is me laying in the bald puppy's tent, living the "Puglives of Salt Lake City"

Tricks I've mastered during the pandemic:
I'm 14, so my greatest physical accomplishment is getting up the mini stairs that get me from the floor to the couch.

Favorite place to sleep?
On my bed, between my humans wedged in their backs. I'd prefer it if they'd find somewhere else to sleep, but I guess if they stay on the very edge, while I'm perpendicular, that will do.



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Clark
Male, domestic shorthair
Human: Raymond Howze

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?
The human has taken to doing too many household chores during the day, disturbing me during my naps.

I wish my human would leave so I could:
Knock everything off the kitchen counter.

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:
Better Call Saul.

The thought bubble for my photo would read:
I sit in the box and knock the things off. That's the name of the game.

My Tinder profile:
New to the world. Looking for a partner to chase birds and roll around with.

Hump, lick, kill?
H: Too young for ... what?
L: The dog I live with.
K: The squirrel that steals the bird food.

When they put on their mask, my human looks like:
Like the human that snipped my manhood.

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have:
Beef fat

The butt I wish I could smell:
My sister (the old dog)

Most recent social media post thanks to my shut-in humans?
Coming nose to nose with the pesky squirrel.

Tricks I've crushed during the pandemic:
Lying on the pool cover. It's like a water bed!



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Ivy
Female, heeler mix
Human: Carla Frein

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?
Today, my human dug and dug in the backyard but never rolled over the dirt. What a waste! Yesterday, my human lay on the floor and stared at the fan. I tried it, too, but I got dizzy.

I wish my human would leave so I could:
Defeat the neighbor's cat in a staring contest.

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:
The Masked Singer. Why would someone like to hear a cat sing? Yikes.

My Tinder profile:
Cute but psycho.

The butt I wish I could smell:
Chip 'n' Dale's

Dog park I miss the most:
Cottonwood Park

Hike I've crushed during the pandemic:
Little Wild Horse Canyon and Bell Canyon Trailhead



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Bishop & Davinci
Males, bull terrier & boxer
Human: Alexis Petersen

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?
Our humans are always home, and it's fantastic! They are always on their black boxes of boredom, though. They talk to strangers and when we bark to protect them, they put us outside. It's an outrage. Mom keeps stealing our bandannas and putting them on her face. She looks ridiculous, but we still try to kiss her face, anyway.

We wish our humans would leave so we could:
Get our afternoon naps in. We are exhausted from having to entertain them all day.

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:
They are glued to the TV but don't watch anything good. Where's Animal Planet, guys? I'd take Cats at this point!

The thought bubble for my photo would read:
Spring training is canceled? This is some real BS, Mom! Can we still party? Go Cubs!

My Tinder profile:
Just two mama's boys prowling for bitches. Don't hold it against us. She has good treats, and we will share.

Hump, lick, kill?
H: Can't commit
L: Anyone close enough for our tongues to reach
K: Anyone in the neighborhood who dares walk on our eight squares of sidewalk, our grass at the park or our trail on the mountain. Or, really anyone in general that's not our humans.

When they put on their mask, my human looks like:
They are trying to be as cool as we are in our bandanas, but they are doing it all wrong!

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have:
Our humans don't cook or give us leftovers ... rude! They like to trade carrots for tricks, though. We will take it!

The butt I wish I could smell:
Fluffy! Three heads, one butt!

Dog park I miss the most:
We like the Draper dog park, but we'd take anything at this point!

Is your social media influence growing due to your shut-in humans?
Mom always post us, even if we aren't stuck at home! Our favorite is our pool party pic—we love to party!

Tricks we've mastered during the pandemic:
We just started training with Live Oak Obedience right before our humans started staying home, so we practice all the tricks—heal, walk nice, come, play nice. Can't wait to start Jan's agility classes!

What would the humans do without us in these scary, unpredictable, boring times?
Who knows. Mom probably wouldn't survive. We are her saving grace. They are so lucky to have us!

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